It is 2am and I'm up. I think I went to sleep at like 7pm with T.
Whether it is food poisoning or a stomach virus, yesterday I felt horrible. Stomach cramps, my back hurt, and apparently, I walked hunched over (since T kept following me hunched over taking tiny little steps).
I just woke up, hungry and dehydrated.
T was rolling around and making some noise, so I kept my eyes shut to let him work it out himself. When he finally settled, I opened my eyes to find his big beautiful sparkly eyes looking at me - two inches away.
We sat there just gazing at each other for a moment, and then I smiled. He broke out into a smile too and we both stayed there until we simultaneously shut our eyes and he went back to sleep.
The beauty of that moment and how much I felt like a "mama" then was pretty magical.
When T was born I was not instantly in love. And, I didn't have post-partum. I just didn't really know who he was yet.
The first thing I said after he was on my chest in our birth pool, covered in vernix was, "who are you?"
I truly felt that way for the first couple of days. I was taking care of him, doing everything to bond, and I felt "bonded, but how can you love someone if you haven't figure out who they are yet?
It may have even taken months before I truly loved who he was as a person.
When he was 9 months old and going to daycare I had a meltdown and said (in a fit of tears one night), "He is my SOUL!" I couldn't imagine anyone else understanding what he wanted or knowing when to be soft or when to play rough. I couldn't imagine how he would feel when mama wasn't there to translate his emotions to the world or put him to sleep when he needed it. I wasn't there to protect him.
I still feel this way.
We just know each other.
I dread the day he tells me to leave him alone (though I think I said that to him yesterday - this clingy mama thing has GOT to go).
And the day he goes off to college.
We had a sweet moment, my boy and I.
Back to bed for a few more hours of rest.