The cold San Francisco fall has begun. I made the poor dude go for a walk with me in the park but even with this silly hat and a bundleme, his little nose and cheeks were FREEZING. I ended up wearing him in our new Beco Gemini (LOVE IT!) and he was a little warmer...but we've gotta figure out how to survive in this weather and not be stuck in the house all day.

Mama Guilt

I have such guilt that I'm doing or not doing what is best for my baby.

What do I feel guilty about?
- T playing alone while I do dishes
- wearing clothes with polyester in them
- him glancing at the computer screen for a minute and me not taking him away
- making him ride in the car because it isn't quality time and he hates it so much
- giving him the paci just a couple more times in the morning to hold him off
- saying anything negative in front of him - I don't want to scar him this young
- his diapers cutting into his thighs because they are ginormo
- not bathing him enough
- drinking coffee and feeding him

The list could go on and on...

I totally get the draw of finding an expert and doing what they say, but I know that the experts are not necessarily thinking about the long term health of the baby, but quick results. We have Kaiser, so its hard to find a pediatrician that we trust is skeptical enough about the medical industrial complex. I wish we could have monthly meetings with our midwives forever :)

I wish I had a book I could trust to help me - I'm struggling already trying to figure out how to get rid of the paci at 6 months (its the only way he goes to sleep and stays asleep) and worried about sending him to the nanny who won't have the time to put him down the way I do. I don't really trust anyone but me with my bubbs.

Getting over mama guilt will be the best thing I can do for myself. But how?

We have teething

Updates on the babe:

1) About a month ago we realized that Turner's "witching hours" (5pm-8pm) were actually just hunger. My supply was lowering and he wasn't getting what he needed. I started taking fenugreek and mothers milk plus and WOW my supply was up almost instantly. He's been a happy camper since then. If I forget to take it for a day, its back down again and we're back at square one.

2) Since we figured that out, dude's been falling asleep at 6:00 and sleeping until 3 or 4. Which is AMAZING.

3) For the last three nights he's been up at least four times and fussing about eating. I have a couple theories. a) he's more aware and wants to play b) he wants to turn over so bad since he learned how that eating is a bad position for him c)he's teething. All signs point to teething since I just left him with his dad for an hour and a half and he screamed the whole time.

3) We still have one of the happiest babies ever. He's a joy.

4) Papa and I are slowly figuring out how to balance our personal needs with the other's need for space and alone time. I've had alone time twice this week and it is SO GROOVY. Even though I got the car washed, returned something to Target, and went to the gym, I feel so relaxed. I really want to go to a movie and go shopping for myself, but any alone time is great.

I'm about to get dressed for lunch with some other mamas and then to our homebirth mama group. Little guy is sleeping peacefully right now so I hope he wakes up in the next half hour so we can go without me waking him early.

Stay at home mama drama

I belong to several mama groups and have made some great mama friends and it really surprises me that we all have some of the same challenges around figuring out our relationships with our spouse and what it looks like to be the one home and the one working.

We live in San Francisco and all have feminist uber progressive husbands/partners, but for some reason we all have wacky traditional role problems when the babies come out.

I'm SO lucky to get to stay home for seven months with our boy and still have a job to go back to, but I'm finding that both Papa and I have these high expectations for ourselves that are based on really sexist assumptions that drive us both up the wall.

With absolutely no pressure from each other we both feel intense responsibility. Tim feels like he needs to be the financial backbone of the family and feels pressure to PROVIDE (in all caps). I feel this responsibility to care for our family, keep the house in order, make sure we're eating, and ensure that the baby doesn't cry.

The house will not stay clean because I'm busy helping my boy's brain grow and I'd rather play with him and sing the silly abc's than do dishes or fold my laundry. No just because its more fun (sometimes I'd rather do dishes), but because I want to give him all that I can.

Turns out that a lot of mamas I know with new babes feel the same way and I can't quite figure out what we can do about it.

I am so greatful for the other mamas though because without them I know I'd feel incredibly alone in this challenge of reconfiguring out lives.

Here's Turner on a play date with one of his many girlfriends (and yes, the mohawk is all natural and we don't put anything in it):

First Rollover

We were sitting on the dock on Leonard Lake last weekend and Turner was naked and happy on his back when he rolled over for the first time. I was totally a proud papa cheering him on and throwing my hands up in the air when he finally realized that he could free the arm that was blocking him by arching his back and lifting his head up--ending up in a beautiful cobra pose.

I must admit that after being gone so many days where I come home in the evening and he's already asleep, part of my thrill was that I was there to see it. What surprised me the most was how I'd been watching all his separate moves--learning to lift his head up when he's on his belly, kick a leg over when he's on his back, etc.--and to see them all come together into one amazing back to belly roll.