Two Bedrooms and Two Babies - Our Second Homebirth Story

Turner came early, so I was prepared for you to come early too.

Your dad was off work, the freezer was stocked, all the last minute baby projects were completed. 

Much like during T’s pregnancy, my blood pressure would get high when I was stressed, but generally I was able to bring it down by going deep inside myself and imagining a peaceful place.

Twice, during this pregnancy, we had to schelp over to Kaiser, check in, and practically fight with the staff there to get minimal testing to be sure I didn’t have pre-eclampsia.  They checked my blood pressure, drew blood, did an ultrasound, and monitored your heart rate.  Each time we went everything was perfect with my health and it confirmed the fact that I did NOT want to give birth in a hospital.

Before I was pregnant the first time, I never would have thought that there would be such a mind/body connection possible.  Aside from any labor techniques, I was able to bring my blood pressure down from 154/79 to 118/79.  That is huge.  I closed my eyes and imagined my body getting very heavy.  Then I pictured myself on the hot tub deck at the river house with a glass of cold white wine and my two boys playing legos on the deck quietly.   It always worked.

My 30^th birthday and your due date came and went.   I was starting to become more uncomfortable, and in an effort to keep my blood pressure low, I cut off almost all contact to the outside world.  This was frustrating to so many people, I’m sure, since we’re deep into construction and permitting at the river house and I was the manager of the project at one point!

We did a lot of walking to the beach and back, through the park, in the neighborhood, but since my last check with the midwives, on my due date (3/25) my cervix was dilated to a 6, I just assumed that at any minute I would go into labor.

Five days after my due date on 3/30, Bibi, Stephanie, your dad and I were sitting in the living room chatting.  I had taken some herbal tinctures (under guidance from the midwives) the day before and also taken some that day.  I had tried to take castor oil that day as well, but threw it all up around three o’clock and never saw any effects from it.

Around 8pm, I had my first contraction.  Since our midwives had pretty much said that the baby could come within an hour of going into labor, we called them and they all came over immediately (Ami, Kara, and Hanna).  I was in pretty bad pain, so I hopped in the tub (since I was already a six, I didn’t think it would slow anything down).

Already, I knew that this labor was so different from my last.  With Turner’s birth, I had no break between contractions.  There was no chatting, no laughing.  I was a wild animal in pain and nothing would help.  If you got in my way, I would physically assault you since I couldn’t find a place in my brain for words.

This labor was amazing.  My contractions had a clear beginning and end.  I would have a minute or two between them and I would feel totally fine.  The contractions themselves varied from minor to very intense pain. 

At one point, my midwife told me that another mama (that I had met through our group pre-natal visits) was in labor as well – so she would be leaving and the other midwife would come.  I loved it b/c most mamas only get one of the midwives at their birth and I got both!

My contractions slowed down for a bit, so I got out of the tub to walk around.  This REALLY helped bring them on faster and harder – but the pain was unbearable. 

When my labor initially started, my mom had climbed into bed with Turner in case he woke up.  At this point, around 1am, I heard him crying.   I climbed into the tub and my contractions stopped.  I just listened.  Eventually his crying stopped and I heard him talking about sesame street.  I heard he, Tim and my mom leaving the house (at 1am) to go watch sesame street at her flat (right above ours).   It was really amazing how my “plan” for what to do with T was happening EXACTLY as I had pictured it. The minute the door closed, I had an intense contraction.  That mind/body connection was present again.  I couldn’t labor while my son was awake.

I was becoming really frustrated with the lack of increasing intensity of the contractions.  At one point I decided to go for a walk around the block (when I suggested this to the midwives, I got a very funny look).  Halfway down the stairs, I had a major contraction and decided to stick closer to home.

But, I did start climbing our interior stairs.  Up and down, stopping for contractions and bringing them on faster and faster.  Once I was confident they were fast enough, I started circling our house – stopping at the front entrance (same place I labored with Turner) and leaning on our shoe/entry table. 

I still didn’t feel like much was happening so I checked in with my midwives.  We decided to do an internal check to see how dilated I was and possibly break my waters to get things going again.  It was 2:30am at this point.  I was tired, and honestly, a little bored with the whole thing.  I kept saying that I knew I just had too much downtime.

Waiting for one final contraction to finish, I got checked on my bed.  I had gone from 6cm two weeks before to SEVEN F-ING centimeters after 6 hours of labor.  We decided to go ahead with breaking the water.

At 2:30, my midwife reached in to break my bag.  She wasn’t certain she had gotten it since his head was really well engaged in my cervix.  Immediately, I had a contraction that felt like my entire labor with Turner.  I turned into an animal.  I ran, naked, across the house and jumped into the tub.  On my knees with my arms hanging over the edge, I started making low OOOO sounds.  They would eventually turn into screams and cussing.  I had a several second break until the next one came.  The Oooopen noises I had been making somehow made it worse – but I guess they were successfully helping to open my cervix, because on the next contraction I started bearing down. 

Now with Turner, pushing and bearing down was delightful.  I loved every second of it.  This was HORRIFYING.  It was happening very fast, I wasn’t ready, and it felt much different than with T.  I was a little confused since moments before I still had 3 cm to dilate, so it took me a second to realize I was pushing.

I announced I was pushing and heard someone reference the fact that they were checking me.  I heard “complete.”  Not that anyone could have stopped me at that moment.

My midwife was kneeling in front of me and I had grabbed her hand and was tearing into it with each straining push.  After two pushes, I yelled, “he’s coming.”  I remembered they wanted me to lean back with Turner, so I automatically leaned back.  I heard them yell for Tim who was in the back room for some reason.  With one more push, his head was out.  I couldn’t get his body though – someone checked for a cord – which was wrapped around his neck.  Once they got that off, someone unhooked his shoulder and he came flying out. 

Dude was crying.  Looked like his grandfather. 

I was exhausted.

The next few days were really hard.  I was exhausted and Turner was sad to miss so much of his mama.  The new baby didn’t sleep well until my milk came in, so I was running on empty.

We’re on day 7 of Baby Daschel’s life and I’m blissed out at the moment.

We’ve figured out a way for me to have “special time” with T.  My milk came in and with the help of a nipple shield, Baby D is getting plenty of milk and is sleeping like a champ.

It truly feels like my family is complete now.  I’m a boy mom and I’m thrilled.

Homebirth Ready

We had a homebirth with T.

Last night was our team meeting with our midwives.   They all came over to our house, checked our supplies (we have to order a lot of supplies to have ready, along with preparing other things like coconut water, towels, sheets, etc), and we talked about our plan for when the baby comes.

I am a very internal birther.  It might have been because my last labor was so short, but I'm pretty sure it is also just who I am :)

This is the same team that cared for us while I was having T, so they have some experience.  I cursed out one midwife and actually slapped the other - I'm actually quite surprised they took me back :)

They joked a bit about how I'm a fire breathing dragon :)  I'm so grateful for my midwife team.

My instructions to my midwives (and husband and mother) were simple:

1. Don't touch me unless you need to for medical reasons
2. Don't talk to me unless for medical reasons or to warn me you are going to touch me
3. Keep T out of the house unless he is sleeping - no matter what.  If T needs comfort, I'd rather have Bubbs leave me than have T come into a room I'm in while I'm laboring.  If T is scared, offer to turn on Sesame Street - I'm sure he'll be fine after that :)
4. No internal checks if we can avoid it
5. If you have to talk to me, speak loudly and clearly - don't whisper or be gentle.

I've been anxious for this baby to come (though the pregnancy has flown by), but last night, as I poured myself a glass of milk with ice (I know), T was asleep, and I started reading my book, I decided I really needed to embrace this time before the baby comes.  I'll be exhausted for the next two years.  

Bubbs and I have a babymoon this weekend - the plan is to eat well and float in warm water all day long.  Can't wait.



This was a pic from 34 weeks.  I'm giant now.  This is the one pic we have of my pregnant belly :)

Organic Non-Toxic Baby Supplies

So, since we got pregnant with T, we've been on a health kick.  No BPA in the house, no microwaving in plastic, and almost 100% organic vegis, with all free-range organic meats.

One thing we read which we found really convincing was that the SIDS issue was partly caused by flame retardants in baby mattresses.  Most people buy new mattresses and the babies, when they sleep on their tummies, breathe in the toxins all night long.

We bought an organic mattress, and we were particularly glad when T made it VERY clear at a very young age that he was a tummy sleeper.  We tried to get him to sleep on his side, on his back, on our chest, but eventually we gave in.  Dude liked to sleep like a little roasted chicken with his booty in the air and his face in the mattress.

We bought him a crib mattress which at the time seemed a little excessive price wise, but as we're about to use it with our second baby - we're so glad we made the investment with our first!



T slept really well on it, even with his excessive vomiting (pretty much his entire life) the mattress looks good as new as we took it out of storage.  When we did our garage clean out/moving baby things into the house again move, we realized one thing we didn't do well - the changing table.

Baby T actually did spend a good bit of time there.  Bubbs would play him guitar, he had stuff to look at, and was generally happy, but we didn't think about the fact that the changing pad was made of plain OLD foam.  We had inherited it from my sister, and at the time weren't as aware of the dangers of foam decomposing.  After being in our garage for a year, it was in even worse shape, so we tossed it.  Strangely, there weren't a lot of alternatives to the poison foam ones!

Once again I did a search for naturepedic (since we had such good luck there with our crib mattress) and ended up purchasing the contoured changing pad as well.

While I usually prefer to buy things used, I couldn't find this used at all!

We dropped a few more dollars on this than we had originally planned, but our little guys are so important to us and anything we can do to increase their safety and health, we're in for.

I'm still going to handmake a changing pad cover once my leave starts (in 7 days!), but for now, T likes to put his dolls on it (it fits perfectly on our ikea expedit shelves too!).

*the links included in this post are paid advertisements - I wouldn't endorse them if I didn't love them and truly believe in their benefits.

On having two boys

I'm going to be the mom of boys.

Only boys.

This is it for us - I wont do pregnancy again, and Bubbs and I are just too sensitive and enjoy adult life just a little too much to go through infancy after this round.  We believe really strongly in attachment parenting, but that stuff will suck the life right out of you, so once this sacrifice is over, I look forward to enjoying my kids and my life.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping while the boys played at home (well, Bubbs and T) and listened to Rent in the car.  The musical. 

I'm a little sad I won't get to listen with my daughter someday.  Not that the lyrics are appropriate for anyone under 16.  My brother is straight and loves musicals and gets the same joy out of them as I do.   So what's the deal?

I'm a feminist and live in San Francisco.  I get that either of my sons could LOVE musicals, they could be gay or straight, or one day they could reveal that they are actually women, or want to dress as women, or numerous other things.  They could be republicans, or salesmen, or nudists.  I know I have no control over what they like and who they are, but for some reason, despite all my years of gender studies, I feel like a daughter would be different than a son.

As I prepare to only have boys and as I wait to meet my last child, I'm really starting to wonder why I'm mourning not having a girl (and by mourning, I mean I got a little sad about it for 10 minutes yesterday).

I think most people would consider me a tomboy.  In fact, I actually had a "friend" tell me once in college that she thought my college boyfriend might be gay, but that she thought it might work out because I'm kinda "boyish." (Yeah - WTF?!).  I was never really taught femininity nor do I value it the way a lot of people do.  Plus, since I've had kids, my weight is up, I don't feel pretty, so I'm not going to waste the time on it all until I feel "normal" again.   I'd rather spend my money on experiences and my house than my appearance.  I always think that if I had more money I would spend more time and energy on feminine things, but I'm not sure that's the case.  So, based on all of this, its not like I want to play princess with a little girl.

But,
I am really good at french braiding (is that even relevant now that the 90s are over?),
Girl Clothes are WAY more interesting than boy clothes,
I could teach my little girl things my mom didn't teach me,
I'm really good at planning events and I want to help plan a wedding.

I wonder if the role I play in my sons' life will be that of a "mother" and not that of a person.  Does that make sense? 
Will they care about my life path and how I got where I am? 
Will I ever get to share secrets with them about life? 

There are secrets I'd share with a daughter that I'm not sure I would share with a son.  Secrets about life that I've learned that are only fair to give to your daughter, but not fair expectations to put on your son's mate.  Sexist, yes. 

I also feel like being pregnant, a mother, and a wife have been experiences that have forever changed me, in fantastic ways.  I'm not sure if my boys will ever care.  Will they find strength or think I'm cool b/c I pushed them out at home with no drugs? 

I suppose maybe a daughter wouldn't care either.  But the chances she wants to read about my pregnancy are higher than the chances my son will, right?

Anyway - I still feel great about having two boys.  I can't fail them in not teaching them about moisturizing and waxing.   They will grow up probably appreciating women with normal bodies and who don't wear make up.  They will hopefully share their secrets with each other and in my wildest dreams they are actually friends - though I know that is asking a lot.

Logistically, this works too.  They can share a room longer, wear the same clothes (poor baby D all hand me downs for him) until they start having opinions, you know - that kind of stuff.  Dealing with teenaged girls scares me to death. 

And, my husband still loves his mama in a way that warms my heart - that is different than the way a girl loves her mom, I think.

Both my boys are wanted and loved, already.  Just to be clear.

Two bedrooms and two little boys

We had our anatomy scan today.  They wouldn't let Bubbs into the room with me b/c he was late and they suck.  I had the tech write the sex down so we could see it for the first time together. 

He was so upset that he was stuck outside - I could just see it on his face when I walked out, but we opened the envelope and saw we were having a boy.

Lil T is having a brother.

I'm thrilled.

Honestly, I kinda have an internal struggle with being as feminine as I'd like and not knowing how that jives with being a feminist.  Plus, not knowing HOW to be feminine and hating myself for spending money on things like clothes and salons and makeup when it could got to savings or groceries.

So, I never have to teach anyone about bikini waxes or body hair management, worry about spending thousands on a wedding dress, deal with the slutty 6 year old Halloween costumes, or any of those other things.

I do realize that all we know is what body parts our babe is born with, but having a child has taught me that gender is NOT necessarily a socially constructed thing (as I wrote in all my college papers), but there is a spectrum we all fall on.  T surprises me with his love of superheros (despite me never introducing them to him), trucks, legos, and also his love of his "baby" (elmo), feeding him, loving on him, and being so gentle with his baby.  I may still have to buy a wedding dress or teach how to apply makeup, but for now, I'm comfortable and happy with my two boys.

I had issues at first with our boy name being just a cool name I heard, and not something "meaningful," but the only meaningful name we could come up with was "bob" and I'm not going to do that to a poor innocent baby.

His name has a SUPER cool nickname and a very distinguished full name that will totally do for a supreme court justice.

Bubbs and I are both incredibly hairy and I am so glad not to pass these genes onto a poor woman (at least with today's beauty standards).

Hopefully pics to come on the new groovy rooms soon - we still love them to pieces - I just have to make my bed first to make that happen.

Chicken

I have:

A drool worthy chicken in the oven.

A baby who missed nap at noon and fell asleep at 4:30 (it is 6 now and he's snoozing soundly).

A clean house.

A husband with just the right interview lined up.

A work trip this weekend that will make me miss my boys, but will allow me to see long lost friends.

A Florida vacation scheduled for December.

At this moment, I'm pretty darned happy.

Date night

We have a babysitter we really really like and T seems to get along with her well.  Babysitters are also VERY expensive.

Tim and I have started scheduling regular dates so we can feel like people again and not just like parents.  Last week it was his turn to plan a date that he thought I would like and he took me to a swanky wine bar where we ate platters of cheeses and did three wine flights.  It was fantastic and romantic and fun (though I was dissapointed when I looked up my favorite when I got home and it was something you could pick up at Bevmo).

Last night was my turn to pick.

We got on the streetcar (which arrived just as we got to the stop) and started downtown.  I stopped at Ross five minutes before and picked up a great little black dress for $10, so,paired with black heels and red lips, I felt ready to have a great night.  I told Bubbs earlier in the day that I feel like all my clothes are either for work or they are pajamas.  He didn't argue with me :)

Dressed up, baby happy at home, date night rocked.

Sushi, unfiltered saki, and a cozy under the stairs candlelit table at Ryokos.

Dueling pianos that was fun for an hour...then the sorority girls got a little to roudy (and they didn't know the songs we tipped $20 for them to play)...it was kinda like a wedding - live people singing songs that were not meant to be played on the piano.  It was cheesy, but seriously, who can argue with a room full of people singing along to "Sweet Caroline?"

Bubbs thought the night was over, but we found a cab and headed to top of the mark for a martini.

I tease Bubbs for being Soooooooo sloooooooow sometimes.  Especially when I need a diaper or a bottle in the middle of the night. I think its a southern thing because when I talk to his family I get so awkward with the silences and the waiting...but they just take things slower.  Our cab pulled up to the hotel, the meter said 5.70, and bubbs pulled his wallet out.  He looked through it, then realized his cash was in his other pocket so he slowly started pulling that out.

"I don't care how you do it, but make something happen, Sparky."

Yup.  That was our cab driver.  It was magical.

We headed up to the top of the mark - a bar at the top of a hotel surrounded by glass and a beautiful view of the entire city with many many old people dancing to a live cover band.

They waived the cover charge (we're not sure why) and we ordered drinks.  I was good and stuck to wine, but Bubbs had a martini.  The band played, "Dancing in September" and we boogied.  Again, much like being at a wedding.  But we were the youngest people there.  It was fantastic.

We only stayed for an hour tops, but on the way out, A couple (both wearing scarves), stopped Tim.  The woman whispered in his ear and I could only hear his side of the conversation.

"A lot - of course...only two?"

Apparently, she asked him (in a french accent):

"You, do you love this woman?  I can tell, I've been watching you make out.  You must make her happy two times tonight."

It was a fantastic evening.  Full of laughing (AT the people around us) and beautiful settings.

Next date night is grown up exploratorium.