January 20, 2013

On having two boys

I'm going to be the mom of boys.

Only boys.

This is it for us - I wont do pregnancy again, and Bubbs and I are just too sensitive and enjoy adult life just a little too much to go through infancy after this round.  We believe really strongly in attachment parenting, but that stuff will suck the life right out of you, so once this sacrifice is over, I look forward to enjoying my kids and my life.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping while the boys played at home (well, Bubbs and T) and listened to Rent in the car.  The musical. 

I'm a little sad I won't get to listen with my daughter someday.  Not that the lyrics are appropriate for anyone under 16.  My brother is straight and loves musicals and gets the same joy out of them as I do.   So what's the deal?

I'm a feminist and live in San Francisco.  I get that either of my sons could LOVE musicals, they could be gay or straight, or one day they could reveal that they are actually women, or want to dress as women, or numerous other things.  They could be republicans, or salesmen, or nudists.  I know I have no control over what they like and who they are, but for some reason, despite all my years of gender studies, I feel like a daughter would be different than a son.

As I prepare to only have boys and as I wait to meet my last child, I'm really starting to wonder why I'm mourning not having a girl (and by mourning, I mean I got a little sad about it for 10 minutes yesterday).

I think most people would consider me a tomboy.  In fact, I actually had a "friend" tell me once in college that she thought my college boyfriend might be gay, but that she thought it might work out because I'm kinda "boyish." (Yeah - WTF?!).  I was never really taught femininity nor do I value it the way a lot of people do.  Plus, since I've had kids, my weight is up, I don't feel pretty, so I'm not going to waste the time on it all until I feel "normal" again.   I'd rather spend my money on experiences and my house than my appearance.  I always think that if I had more money I would spend more time and energy on feminine things, but I'm not sure that's the case.  So, based on all of this, its not like I want to play princess with a little girl.

I am really good at french braiding (is that even relevant now that the 90s are over?),
Girl Clothes are WAY more interesting than boy clothes,
I could teach my little girl things my mom didn't teach me,
I'm really good at planning events and I want to help plan a wedding.

I wonder if the role I play in my sons' life will be that of a "mother" and not that of a person.  Does that make sense? 
Will they care about my life path and how I got where I am? 
Will I ever get to share secrets with them about life? 

There are secrets I'd share with a daughter that I'm not sure I would share with a son.  Secrets about life that I've learned that are only fair to give to your daughter, but not fair expectations to put on your son's mate.  Sexist, yes. 

I also feel like being pregnant, a mother, and a wife have been experiences that have forever changed me, in fantastic ways.  I'm not sure if my boys will ever care.  Will they find strength or think I'm cool b/c I pushed them out at home with no drugs? 

I suppose maybe a daughter wouldn't care either.  But the chances she wants to read about my pregnancy are higher than the chances my son will, right?

Anyway - I still feel great about having two boys.  I can't fail them in not teaching them about moisturizing and waxing.   They will grow up probably appreciating women with normal bodies and who don't wear make up.  They will hopefully share their secrets with each other and in my wildest dreams they are actually friends - though I know that is asking a lot.

Logistically, this works too.  They can share a room longer, wear the same clothes (poor baby D all hand me downs for him) until they start having opinions, you know - that kind of stuff.  Dealing with teenaged girls scares me to death. 

And, my husband still loves his mama in a way that warms my heart - that is different than the way a girl loves her mom, I think.

Both my boys are wanted and loved, already.  Just to be clear.

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