October 25, 2009

Happy, Scared, Excited, Protective, Proud, Overwhelmed

All at the same time--well, rotating in different combos really.

I keep having this gnawing in my gut that I have a ton of stuff to do, combined with being kind of distracted all the time so it is hard to remember what I was thinking about doing in the first place.

Soon after finding out she is pregnant she got sick with a fever and sore throat and I freaked out and read everything about swine flu and pregnancy--which is all pretty scary stuff. I spent two nights not being able to sleep for listening to her breathing and cough to see if it sounded like it was turning into viral pneumonia, going as far as putting my ear to the back of her back to see it I heard any fluid sounds. Strange to feel so protective and in another sense kind of powerless: it is her body that is changing, is sick, has our baby growing inside of it. As much as we may have agreed to split household chores, keep separate bank accounts, respect each others need for space, etc. being what I have considered very modern, very equal; this feels very ancient (maybe that is not the right word for it). I can be in solidarity and drink decaf too, not drink the wonderful bottle of pinot noir at her mother's dinner, go to the bookstore and pick out books on childbirth; but really it is her sense of smell that is so acute she can smell the dust in a glass that has been in the cupboard for a week, her body that will keep changing.

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