August 30, 2013

I hate breastfeeding

I know.  I might be doing something wrong.

My son may have a crappy latch so I'm not getting the oxytocin rush I'm supposed to.

I may be too "busy" to really sit down and enjoy it.

I may be "detached" from my son because I went to work too early.

But you know what - I hated it with my other son too and he had a great latch and I stayed home with him till he was 9 months old.

I know it is so important.  I'm doing it.  I'm committed to at least a year and hopefully beyond (particularly since our kids appear to be allergic to soy AND dairy - so their milk options are limited).

I am a little jealous over blissed out mamas who stroke their baby's head and have a shot of ecstasy when they let down.

We're doing a little bit of relationship housekeeping right now and are finding the book, "Wired for Love" really interesting.  The techniques are really helpful and it nails some of the issues we have (particularly the challenges we have with two kids and little sleep).  One thing it points out is that the attachments that each partner has with their own parents from childhood greatly affects how they function in their own families.

My parents did pretty much the opposite of attachment parenting and Bubbs' mom was a super attachment parenting mom.  The book points out that any relationship with one partner who had a crappy attachment to their parents will be a challenge.  I recognize that a lot of my relationship issues stem from this detachment and have worked on them for the last few years (which is why we're psychotic about our commitment to attachment parenting).  That doesn't mean that even though I have figured out how not to let it affect other people it isn't still a part of who I am. 

So, since according to the book's theory, I am an island.  This means that I am used to self soothing and can't look to other's for help, I like and need alone time, etc.  So...I'm thinking that maybe I hate breastfeeding because it forces closeness that I am uncomfortable with?  Or because I need alone time, but instead I'm feeding the baby and feel a responsibility to give even more during this one quiet time of my day?

I'm pretty insanely attached to my kids - even if I don't love or feel naturally about all of AP, I do it anyway, and it works :) 

So, I hate breastfeeding.  I'm doing it anyway.  And my kids will never appreciate me for it :)

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