To hear about our disaster. Offer went in on Sunday - supposed to hear today or tomorrow.
I can't plan the decor at this point beacuse I don't want to be horribly dissapointed again.
Meantime - we had an amazing Unconditional Parenting moment yesterday.
According to the UP theory, insisting that a child apologize doesn't teach them anything. We have to teach them empathy (by modeling it) and then the desire to apologize is natural.
We have never made my son (2) apologize but yesterday he was being a little bratty to his dad (refusing to help clean up, which he usually loves) and his dad was getting worked up and forgetting his Unconditional Parenting skills - I thought they could both use a little extra connection to bring them back down to earth.
I asked T to give his dad a hug and a kiss - before he did, he grabbed his cheeks, looked him in the eye, and said, "I'm sorry, Daddy."
It was a pretty good indication that modeling that behavior works!
Proud mama moment :)
*Oh - and once they connected again - clean up happened and all was well.
Showing posts with label unconditional parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label unconditional parenting. Show all posts
August 15, 2012
April 23, 2012
Updates in Parenting
22 months rocks big time.
Our little guy cleans up his toys when he leaves a room. Like every time. Even at his cousin's house. I know I'm supposed to love him unconditionally, but I love him more when he does this.
He come RUNNING through the house yelling "HELP DISHES" if he hears someone running the water. And he actually DOES help.
And the biggest miracle of all? He's sleeping. Like all night. For two weeks now (minus one night where he hadn't pooped the day before and the groaned in pain all night long).
He's putting together 2-3 word sentences - and sometimes even more.
T's been singing the last word in a phrase in songs for awhile, but he's just started singing the whole thing - and singing to himself as he plays...ALONE.
We had an amazing weekend out of the house at the beach and the river. T spent a lot of time in the car though. At one point he was singing Happy Birthday, but rather than using "rolo" as the name (his aunt) he sang, "Happy To You, Pinecone" and cracked himself up. My little guy is telling jokes.
His naps are going later and later 1:30-2ish and his bedtime is horribly close to 9:30 (it's been consistently 8pm since he was like 2 months old).
Anyway, life just got a little easier in every way.
Life back 2012.
Our little guy cleans up his toys when he leaves a room. Like every time. Even at his cousin's house. I know I'm supposed to love him unconditionally, but I love him more when he does this.
He come RUNNING through the house yelling "HELP DISHES" if he hears someone running the water. And he actually DOES help.
And the biggest miracle of all? He's sleeping. Like all night. For two weeks now (minus one night where he hadn't pooped the day before and the groaned in pain all night long).
He's putting together 2-3 word sentences - and sometimes even more.
T's been singing the last word in a phrase in songs for awhile, but he's just started singing the whole thing - and singing to himself as he plays...ALONE.
We had an amazing weekend out of the house at the beach and the river. T spent a lot of time in the car though. At one point he was singing Happy Birthday, but rather than using "rolo" as the name (his aunt) he sang, "Happy To You, Pinecone" and cracked himself up. My little guy is telling jokes.
His naps are going later and later 1:30-2ish and his bedtime is horribly close to 9:30 (it's been consistently 8pm since he was like 2 months old).
Anyway, life just got a little easier in every way.
Life back 2012.
February 29, 2012
Unconditional Parenting - A step by step guide
We are "successfully" using two parenting/discipline techniques. I thought I'd share since on the Blue Eyed Bride blog she asked for some assistance. By "successful" I mean that we aren't worried about T having tantrums, hitting other kids, or yelling at us. We aren't stressed about if we are doing the right thing. He still has tantrums, whines, and yells, but we feel totally prepared to deal with it.
The books that have helped us shape our techniques are:
Unconditional Parenting and the Happiest Toddler on the Block.
Disclaimer about Unconditional Parenting & Happiest Toddler on the Block:
1) People might look at you funny because they expect you to do time-outs, yell, or get mad at your child.
2) Once you use the theories for a few days you will realize how great it works - but we need refreshers regularly and have to remind each other about techniques.
3) You will have to "let go." You may be late to things or have to wake up early to leave time to "parent" your child. You may have to let your child get their clothes wet.
4) You will have to give up the idea that you have to win every battle (Nurture Shock gave us the understanding that this DOESN'T ruin kids, but actually helps them behave better as teenagers).
5) You will have to change your life a little. Don't take them places that are inappropriate for children. Don't have fragile things out for them to break. Don't put your child in situations where they will "act out." We know T can't sit for a meal for more than 10 minutes (and it isn't developmentally appropriate either) so we don't fight him when he wants to get up. We don't go to dinner at people's houses because it will mess up his schedule (or we go at 5 so we can be home by 7 for winding down.
We have a new nanny and she is fantastic, but I realized that as hard as Unconditional Parenting is for us, I should try to give her a primer she can refer to. I wrote something up that I hope is helpful.
One thing I never thought I would do, is us a high sing song-y voice - but man oh man, this WORKS! So in all of the examples below, imagine me using a false high voice. It gets his attention so quickly and he turns on his fake "baby" voice - which makes him calm and sweet :)
I start all conversations by getting down on his level and asking him to "look at mama." I make sure that I do this when we are going to talk about something hard, but I also do it when I tell him that I love him or he makes me proud.
----------------------------------------------
Here's what we gave the nanny:
The books that have helped us shape our techniques are:
Unconditional Parenting and the Happiest Toddler on the Block.
Disclaimer about Unconditional Parenting & Happiest Toddler on the Block:
1) People might look at you funny because they expect you to do time-outs, yell, or get mad at your child.
2) Once you use the theories for a few days you will realize how great it works - but we need refreshers regularly and have to remind each other about techniques.
3) You will have to "let go." You may be late to things or have to wake up early to leave time to "parent" your child. You may have to let your child get their clothes wet.
4) You will have to give up the idea that you have to win every battle (Nurture Shock gave us the understanding that this DOESN'T ruin kids, but actually helps them behave better as teenagers).
5) You will have to change your life a little. Don't take them places that are inappropriate for children. Don't have fragile things out for them to break. Don't put your child in situations where they will "act out." We know T can't sit for a meal for more than 10 minutes (and it isn't developmentally appropriate either) so we don't fight him when he wants to get up. We don't go to dinner at people's houses because it will mess up his schedule (or we go at 5 so we can be home by 7 for winding down.
We have a new nanny and she is fantastic, but I realized that as hard as Unconditional Parenting is for us, I should try to give her a primer she can refer to. I wrote something up that I hope is helpful.
One thing I never thought I would do, is us a high sing song-y voice - but man oh man, this WORKS! So in all of the examples below, imagine me using a false high voice. It gets his attention so quickly and he turns on his fake "baby" voice - which makes him calm and sweet :)
I start all conversations by getting down on his level and asking him to "look at mama." I make sure that I do this when we are going to talk about something hard, but I also do it when I tell him that I love him or he makes me proud.
----------------------------------------------
Here's what we gave the nanny:
We use a style of parenting called “unconditional parenting”.
We do it because we think (and we see that it works) that if we show Turner respect and empathy, he will learn it. We don’t think that “obeying” is the most important thing for him to learn and we want to teach life-long lessons not just ones appropriate for toddlers.
This means a couple things:
· Lots of hugs, love, kisses, smiles and excitement.
· We respect Turner as a person and realize that his emotions are just as real and valid as ours.
· We know that he is never trying to be bad. He is GOOD by nature. If he is being “bad” it is because:
o He needs more attention
o He is hungry or tired
o He is learning about something and doesn’t understand
When he is being “bad” we need to figure out which of the things above are happening and resolve them. Then the bad behavior stops.
· We don’t think that giving him what he asks for will spoil him. Though we try to only offer him healthy things (healthy foods, play activities, etc).
· We never FORCE Turner to do anything (eat, drink, walk, sit down) unless doing it could be dangerous. We talk to him, ask him questions, and reason with him to get him to do what is best.
That doesn’t mean that we “negotiate” but we explain and it usually works for us.
Example:
· He doesn’t want to put on a diaper.
· Get down on his level and ask him to look at you.
· Tell him it is important to put on a diaper or he will get pee pee on his pants and on his leg and that is wet.
· Bring him two diapers (two different colors or cloth and paper) and ask him to pick which one he wants. This usually works.
· We want him to know that if he needs something, his caregivers will be responsive and available. So, we never ignore his cries or tantrums – we get on his level and try to help him understand his feelings. *this helps him learn to be response and loving to people he cares about. As an adult, I want him to comfort his friends and girlfriends when they are sad and not tell them to suck it up or ignore their feelings.
· He gets love and attention if he is good AND if he is bad. “Badness” is just him asking for something that he doesn’t know how to ask for.
Behavior:
Tantrum or Crying
When Turner is throwing a fit or is whining we try to help him use words.
Get down on his level and look him in the eye and ask him to look at us.
In a kind tone (sing song voice):
“are you sad/mad/angry/frustrated (pick one you think he is feeling)?”
“Is Turner Mad because he wants the car?”
“That’s not our car, but you can slide on the slide with me – do you want to slide?”
OR
“Are you sad because your mama left?
“Turner is sad because his mama left”
“Your mama will be home after work, but we can blow bubbles. Do you want to blow bubbles?”
SUMMARY:
1) Identify emotion and ASK him if he feels that way
2) Try to repeat what the situation is and ASK him if you are right.
3) Tell him WHY he can’t do it, or if mama is gone, tell him she will come back,
4) Distract him with another option and make it sound fun
Being “Bad”
When he is misbehaving you can get on his level, ask him to look you in the eye, and talk to him about what you need him to do. Asking questions is most important in this.
For example: he refuses to walk
Get down and look at him
“Turner, look at Ana, please look at Ana”
“Turner doesn’t want to walk?”
“You can walk or you can ride, Ana can’t hold you now. “
“Do you want to walk?”
You can just sit there and wait for him to get in the stroller or walk.
It is important not to get into a power struggle with him and make him do something just because you said to.
Let him pick, he can sit on the sidewalk and never get home/to the park/to the next fish tank at the aquarium OR he can walk. He chooses to walk every time.
At the aquarium yesterday we had to do this exercise four times in 20 minutes. But you know what? There were no tantrums, we were all happy, and it never escalated.
If he is being “crazy” in the house, take him outside – let him run, blow bubbles, or watch the street cars drive by.
Ten Principles of Unconditional Parenting
- Consider your Requests - Maybe it is in what/how you have requested that the child is not responding favorably Maybe you need to re-think what you are doing.
- Put the Relationship First - Being right isn't necessarily what matters; it matters very little if your children stiffen when you walk into the room; what matters is the connection, the alliance, mutual respect. From a practical perspective, the relationship counts, where the child feels safe enough to explain why she did something wrong; when you put your foot down, is it worth any potential injury to the relationship?
- The Love has to be Unconditional - Love withdrawl is conditional love; when it does work, the price you are paying is too high - it says, "You have to earn my love." You go away from me or I go away from you - banishment. Kids need love that never stops coming; affection that does not have to be earned. "No matter what you do, I will never stop loving you." Stop that which gives the opposite message - positive reinforcement when they are good. Items are a display of love or a tool to control - you cannot have it both ways. When we praise them for making our lives easy, they look for that. More praise, the more insecure they become, the more dependent they become on our approval. They have to know they are loved even when they screw up or fall short. They need to know they are loved for who they are, not what they do. Time out is okay when the child decides and the time is something that helps the child center - something fun, diverting.
- Imagine how kids see Things - Look at the world from their point of view! The more you do that, the better a parent you tend to be. When I say, "X", how does she feel? Imagine how your friends (or relatives) seem to your child. From a young child's point of view, we're interfering with what looks fun.
- Be Authentic - Do not forget your humanity. Don't pretend to be more competent than you are, apologize to your child every so often ~ you'll find a reason.
- Talk less, Ask more - Listen, respond, elicit, imagine her perspective - makes you a better partner, too - manager, colleague - What is your perspective? Good parenting includes listening.
- Assume the Best ~ A tribute to Children: the best possible motive consistent with the facts. Why assume the child was trying to make you unhappy? Children of a certain age cannot understand promises, sitting still for a long family dinner. Don't assume the worst. We do not always know why kids do things. Kids live down to our negative expectations. Assume the best.
- Try to say Yes, when you can - Do not say No constantly. Sometimes you have to say No. Kids don't get better at coping with unhappiness when they were made unhappy deliberately when they were young. If you say Yes twice as often as you do now, they will still get plenty of opportunities with frustration. Pick your battles. This is not to say Yes out of laziness. Provide guidance, support. Mindful parenting. Say Yes as often as you can.
- Don't be Rigid - Wave the rules. Be flexible. Respond differently to different children and situations, understanding the context. Predictability is good, but don't make a fetish of it. United front is dishonest - more useful for kids to see we disagree and can talk it out.
- Let kids decide whenever possible - Support their autonomy, bring them in on the decision making. Children will feel better about themselves. The way kids make good decisions is by making decisions. Let them decide unless there is a compelling reason not to.
February 7, 2012
On Having a Second Kid
I drove down a street in our neighborhood yesterday that I don't normally drive down. I remembered a walk I took T on when he was about 9 months old.
It was hell.
He wanted to stand in the stroller, I'd forgotten the Becco/Ergo/Carrier, and when I finally let him "do" his thing, he wanted to sit on the ground and play with garbage. If I picked him up, he would do the back arch/scream/evil thing. It was a no win situation and I was stuck, four blocks from home, and I couldn't figure out how to get my kid home.
That being said:
I always assumed I would have two kids.
All my friends with babies T's age are starting to try for their second.
I think they are nuts. Don't they remember?
Bubbs and I used to joke that we didn't want another one, but as T gets easier and easier, I realized that I might not be joking anymore.
In pregnancy, I threw up every day for 5 months and spent every moment before and after the vomiting - totally nauseous. It ended when I had him. But then I had the itching. For the first two weeks he was born, my entire body itched. SERIOUSLY. I couldn't use topical stuff because it was all poison. It was like torture.
Breastfeeding was actually easy for me, but I didn't have the patience to "enjoy" it like I was supposed to. Plus, for a period of like three months, he would only nurse laying down and he was exclusively breastfed. Which was awkward to say the least. And breastfeeding is So messy.
The fluids that get everywhere.
Especially those first two weeks.
Our relationship was HARD when T was a baby. Bubbs got a little depressed from all the changes, my family got a little weird, and we truly didn't sleep. My body still hasn't recovered (take pictures of your boobs pre-baby, ladies - you'll forget what they looked like).
When T was like 6 months old, I started to get the craving for another. I chalk that bought of insanity on hormones.
And recently, I realize WHY other people have kids now. The ones you have now actually play with other kids, they want to play with YOU and you certainly don't want to put money in the coffee can all day - so they need a playmate - one that can be there at 5:30 in the morning. Plus, this is the time when you forget the other stuff.
We don't particularly have the money to pay for childcare for two.
We have a two bedroom house, so I'm not sure how that will work out.
I know there are a ton of techniques some parents use to make it work, but I'm not sure I like them.
I adore my kid. He is funny and sweet and I would give everything to make him happy (sometimes it feels like I already do). He's a joy to be around and I'm proud to be his mama.
But does he need a sibling?
Bubbs and I really like ours. We have great relationships with them.
And what happens when we die - doesn't he have a right to some immediate family left?
What happens when we go nuts - doesn't have a right to have someone to talk about it with?
I have an only child friend who said that Christmas mornings were totally sad because she had no one to play with her.
Being an aunt is one of the greatest joys of my life, would I really deprive him of that?
Is having a second kid the greatest sacrifice of all for your child?
We're obviously not tying any tubes at this point or getting out the laser pointer, but I want to make an informed decision about another one and be sure if we pass up the optimal time frame that it was on purpose and not something we regret later. I'm pretty sure if anything happens it won't be for at least two more years...but are they then so far apart that it defeats the purpose?
Why do people have second ones? How do you cope?
It was hell.
He wanted to stand in the stroller, I'd forgotten the Becco/Ergo/Carrier, and when I finally let him "do" his thing, he wanted to sit on the ground and play with garbage. If I picked him up, he would do the back arch/scream/evil thing. It was a no win situation and I was stuck, four blocks from home, and I couldn't figure out how to get my kid home.
That being said:
I always assumed I would have two kids.
All my friends with babies T's age are starting to try for their second.
I think they are nuts. Don't they remember?
Bubbs and I used to joke that we didn't want another one, but as T gets easier and easier, I realized that I might not be joking anymore.
In pregnancy, I threw up every day for 5 months and spent every moment before and after the vomiting - totally nauseous. It ended when I had him. But then I had the itching. For the first two weeks he was born, my entire body itched. SERIOUSLY. I couldn't use topical stuff because it was all poison. It was like torture.
Breastfeeding was actually easy for me, but I didn't have the patience to "enjoy" it like I was supposed to. Plus, for a period of like three months, he would only nurse laying down and he was exclusively breastfed. Which was awkward to say the least. And breastfeeding is So messy.
The fluids that get everywhere.
Especially those first two weeks.
Our relationship was HARD when T was a baby. Bubbs got a little depressed from all the changes, my family got a little weird, and we truly didn't sleep. My body still hasn't recovered (take pictures of your boobs pre-baby, ladies - you'll forget what they looked like).
When T was like 6 months old, I started to get the craving for another. I chalk that bought of insanity on hormones.
And recently, I realize WHY other people have kids now. The ones you have now actually play with other kids, they want to play with YOU and you certainly don't want to put money in the coffee can all day - so they need a playmate - one that can be there at 5:30 in the morning. Plus, this is the time when you forget the other stuff.
We don't particularly have the money to pay for childcare for two.
We have a two bedroom house, so I'm not sure how that will work out.
I know there are a ton of techniques some parents use to make it work, but I'm not sure I like them.
I adore my kid. He is funny and sweet and I would give everything to make him happy (sometimes it feels like I already do). He's a joy to be around and I'm proud to be his mama.
But does he need a sibling?
Bubbs and I really like ours. We have great relationships with them.
And what happens when we die - doesn't he have a right to some immediate family left?
What happens when we go nuts - doesn't have a right to have someone to talk about it with?
I have an only child friend who said that Christmas mornings were totally sad because she had no one to play with her.
Being an aunt is one of the greatest joys of my life, would I really deprive him of that?
Is having a second kid the greatest sacrifice of all for your child?
We're obviously not tying any tubes at this point or getting out the laser pointer, but I want to make an informed decision about another one and be sure if we pass up the optimal time frame that it was on purpose and not something we regret later. I'm pretty sure if anything happens it won't be for at least two more years...but are they then so far apart that it defeats the purpose?
Why do people have second ones? How do you cope?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)