Homebirth Ready

We had a homebirth with T.

Last night was our team meeting with our midwives.   They all came over to our house, checked our supplies (we have to order a lot of supplies to have ready, along with preparing other things like coconut water, towels, sheets, etc), and we talked about our plan for when the baby comes.

I am a very internal birther.  It might have been because my last labor was so short, but I'm pretty sure it is also just who I am :)

This is the same team that cared for us while I was having T, so they have some experience.  I cursed out one midwife and actually slapped the other - I'm actually quite surprised they took me back :)

They joked a bit about how I'm a fire breathing dragon :)  I'm so grateful for my midwife team.

My instructions to my midwives (and husband and mother) were simple:

1. Don't touch me unless you need to for medical reasons
2. Don't talk to me unless for medical reasons or to warn me you are going to touch me
3. Keep T out of the house unless he is sleeping - no matter what.  If T needs comfort, I'd rather have Bubbs leave me than have T come into a room I'm in while I'm laboring.  If T is scared, offer to turn on Sesame Street - I'm sure he'll be fine after that :)
4. No internal checks if we can avoid it
5. If you have to talk to me, speak loudly and clearly - don't whisper or be gentle.

I've been anxious for this baby to come (though the pregnancy has flown by), but last night, as I poured myself a glass of milk with ice (I know), T was asleep, and I started reading my book, I decided I really needed to embrace this time before the baby comes.  I'll be exhausted for the next two years.  

Bubbs and I have a babymoon this weekend - the plan is to eat well and float in warm water all day long.  Can't wait.



This was a pic from 34 weeks.  I'm giant now.  This is the one pic we have of my pregnant belly :)

Organic Non-Toxic Baby Supplies

So, since we got pregnant with T, we've been on a health kick.  No BPA in the house, no microwaving in plastic, and almost 100% organic vegis, with all free-range organic meats.

One thing we read which we found really convincing was that the SIDS issue was partly caused by flame retardants in baby mattresses.  Most people buy new mattresses and the babies, when they sleep on their tummies, breathe in the toxins all night long.

We bought an organic mattress, and we were particularly glad when T made it VERY clear at a very young age that he was a tummy sleeper.  We tried to get him to sleep on his side, on his back, on our chest, but eventually we gave in.  Dude liked to sleep like a little roasted chicken with his booty in the air and his face in the mattress.

We bought him a crib mattress which at the time seemed a little excessive price wise, but as we're about to use it with our second baby - we're so glad we made the investment with our first!



T slept really well on it, even with his excessive vomiting (pretty much his entire life) the mattress looks good as new as we took it out of storage.  When we did our garage clean out/moving baby things into the house again move, we realized one thing we didn't do well - the changing table.

Baby T actually did spend a good bit of time there.  Bubbs would play him guitar, he had stuff to look at, and was generally happy, but we didn't think about the fact that the changing pad was made of plain OLD foam.  We had inherited it from my sister, and at the time weren't as aware of the dangers of foam decomposing.  After being in our garage for a year, it was in even worse shape, so we tossed it.  Strangely, there weren't a lot of alternatives to the poison foam ones!

Once again I did a search for naturepedic (since we had such good luck there with our crib mattress) and ended up purchasing the contoured changing pad as well.

While I usually prefer to buy things used, I couldn't find this used at all!

We dropped a few more dollars on this than we had originally planned, but our little guys are so important to us and anything we can do to increase their safety and health, we're in for.

I'm still going to handmake a changing pad cover once my leave starts (in 7 days!), but for now, T likes to put his dolls on it (it fits perfectly on our ikea expedit shelves too!).

*the links included in this post are paid advertisements - I wouldn't endorse them if I didn't love them and truly believe in their benefits.

On having two boys

I'm going to be the mom of boys.

Only boys.

This is it for us - I wont do pregnancy again, and Bubbs and I are just too sensitive and enjoy adult life just a little too much to go through infancy after this round.  We believe really strongly in attachment parenting, but that stuff will suck the life right out of you, so once this sacrifice is over, I look forward to enjoying my kids and my life.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping while the boys played at home (well, Bubbs and T) and listened to Rent in the car.  The musical. 

I'm a little sad I won't get to listen with my daughter someday.  Not that the lyrics are appropriate for anyone under 16.  My brother is straight and loves musicals and gets the same joy out of them as I do.   So what's the deal?

I'm a feminist and live in San Francisco.  I get that either of my sons could LOVE musicals, they could be gay or straight, or one day they could reveal that they are actually women, or want to dress as women, or numerous other things.  They could be republicans, or salesmen, or nudists.  I know I have no control over what they like and who they are, but for some reason, despite all my years of gender studies, I feel like a daughter would be different than a son.

As I prepare to only have boys and as I wait to meet my last child, I'm really starting to wonder why I'm mourning not having a girl (and by mourning, I mean I got a little sad about it for 10 minutes yesterday).

I think most people would consider me a tomboy.  In fact, I actually had a "friend" tell me once in college that she thought my college boyfriend might be gay, but that she thought it might work out because I'm kinda "boyish." (Yeah - WTF?!).  I was never really taught femininity nor do I value it the way a lot of people do.  Plus, since I've had kids, my weight is up, I don't feel pretty, so I'm not going to waste the time on it all until I feel "normal" again.   I'd rather spend my money on experiences and my house than my appearance.  I always think that if I had more money I would spend more time and energy on feminine things, but I'm not sure that's the case.  So, based on all of this, its not like I want to play princess with a little girl.

But,
I am really good at french braiding (is that even relevant now that the 90s are over?),
Girl Clothes are WAY more interesting than boy clothes,
I could teach my little girl things my mom didn't teach me,
I'm really good at planning events and I want to help plan a wedding.

I wonder if the role I play in my sons' life will be that of a "mother" and not that of a person.  Does that make sense? 
Will they care about my life path and how I got where I am? 
Will I ever get to share secrets with them about life? 

There are secrets I'd share with a daughter that I'm not sure I would share with a son.  Secrets about life that I've learned that are only fair to give to your daughter, but not fair expectations to put on your son's mate.  Sexist, yes. 

I also feel like being pregnant, a mother, and a wife have been experiences that have forever changed me, in fantastic ways.  I'm not sure if my boys will ever care.  Will they find strength or think I'm cool b/c I pushed them out at home with no drugs? 

I suppose maybe a daughter wouldn't care either.  But the chances she wants to read about my pregnancy are higher than the chances my son will, right?

Anyway - I still feel great about having two boys.  I can't fail them in not teaching them about moisturizing and waxing.   They will grow up probably appreciating women with normal bodies and who don't wear make up.  They will hopefully share their secrets with each other and in my wildest dreams they are actually friends - though I know that is asking a lot.

Logistically, this works too.  They can share a room longer, wear the same clothes (poor baby D all hand me downs for him) until they start having opinions, you know - that kind of stuff.  Dealing with teenaged girls scares me to death. 

And, my husband still loves his mama in a way that warms my heart - that is different than the way a girl loves her mom, I think.

Both my boys are wanted and loved, already.  Just to be clear.

Montessori style floor bed

I've gotten a few questions about T's floor bed, so I thought I'd show pictures to show how easy it is to build.



We moved T to a big boy bed when he was 8 months old. We were (well I was) super frustrated that I couldn't do the transfer without waking him. I would nurse him to sleep in our bed then try to move him to his crib. He would always wake up when we moved him.

We didn't want to have him sleep the whole night in our bed so we needed a solution.

I had read about Montessori rooms that used twin beds or even crib mattresses on the floor. We had a cotton organic futon in the house, so we started by using that. It was amazing. I would nurse him to sleep, he would fall asleep, then I could sneak away for grown-up time and not worry about him crawling off our high bed.

We baby-proofed his entire room so it would be totally safe if he were left alone in there or woke up while we were sleeping. In the beginning we put a baby gate up in the doorway when we left and we just left the door open.

A few months into this set up we all got bad allergies and I remembered that I had read that floor beds could grow mold. They say that if they aren't raised up, the air doesn't circulate and the moisture that our bodies naturally produce while we sleep (plus the daily fog moisture) can create mold under the bed. I didn't pay too much attention to it since I had done it for a year in an apartment while I was single and it wasn't a problem.

We lifted the mattress to check and the bottom was covered in mold.

Talk about feeling like bad parents.

We headed out the same day to buy him a fancy pants organic hippy mattress. We went with Organic Rubber Latex with a wool cover.

The store we went to "A Happy Planet" was great working with us and not trying to sell us the same insanely expensive mattress we bought for ourselves like 6 months before. Since we always end up spending at least half the night with him we decided to go with a queen for our comfort. Plus, the mattress has a 30 year warranty, so someday it could be our guest bed as well. He also told us that they could build us the "frame" for the floor bed and they do it all the time.



It is essentially three 2x4's that are cut to the length of the bed (in our case, the same length as our queen bed).

Then you roll the pre-made slats over them and screw the corners in (so they don't move around). You can get the slats from ikea (or craigslist). Ours were provided by our mattress store.



We wanted ours raised bit more, so he put little pieces of wood under the 2x4s (one in the middle - see how it raises up a bit?, and one on each corner).



We live in a funky house with sloping floors, so we had to add another piece of wood under one corner to even it out (so it didn't make noise when we snuck off after he fell asleep).


For full disclosure, there are a few things that aren't great about this frame.
It is a little squeaky when we (meaning big people) get on and off.
We should have put felt under the boards because when we have to move it, I'm always afraid it is going to scratch the floors.
It isn't really good looking. I know this shouldn't be too important, but you just can't make T's bed and have it look great since the bed is all scrunched up against the wall.

But, we have total piece of mind.

Let me know if you have any questions or if you have other floor bed frames that work for you!

Unconditional Parenting - A step by step guide

We are "successfully" using two parenting/discipline techniques. I thought I'd share since on the Blue Eyed Bride blog she asked for some assistance. By "successful" I mean that we aren't worried about T having tantrums, hitting other kids, or yelling at us. We aren't stressed about if we are doing the right thing. He still has tantrums, whines, and yells, but we feel totally prepared to deal with it.

The books that have helped us shape our techniques are:

Unconditional Parenting and the Happiest Toddler on the Block.

Disclaimer about Unconditional Parenting & Happiest Toddler on the Block:

1) People might look at you funny because they expect you to do time-outs, yell, or get mad at your child.

2) Once you use the theories for a few days you will realize how great it works - but we need refreshers regularly and have to remind each other about techniques.

3) You will have to "let go." You may be late to things or have to wake up early to leave time to "parent" your child. You may have to let your child get their clothes wet.

4) You will have to give up the idea that you have to win every battle (Nurture Shock gave us the understanding that this DOESN'T ruin kids, but actually helps them behave better as teenagers).

5) You will have to change your life a little. Don't take them places that are inappropriate for children. Don't have fragile things out for them to break. Don't put your child in situations where they will "act out." We know T can't sit for a meal for more than 10 minutes (and it isn't developmentally appropriate either) so we don't fight him when he wants to get up. We don't go to dinner at people's houses because it will mess up his schedule (or we go at 5 so we can be home by 7 for winding down.


We have a new nanny and she is fantastic, but I realized that as hard as Unconditional Parenting is for us, I should try to give her a primer she can refer to. I wrote something up that I hope is helpful.

One thing I never thought I would do, is us a high sing song-y voice - but man oh man, this WORKS! So in all of the examples below, imagine me using a false high voice. It gets his attention so quickly and he turns on his fake "baby" voice - which makes him calm and sweet :)

I start all conversations by getting down on his level and asking him to "look at mama." I make sure that I do this when we are going to talk about something hard, but I also do it when I tell him that I love him or he makes me proud.
----------------------------------------------
Here's what we gave the nanny:

We use a style of parenting called “unconditional parenting”.

We do it because we think (and we see that it works) that if we show Turner respect and empathy, he will learn it. We don’t think that “obeying” is the most important thing for him to learn and we want to teach life-long lessons not just ones appropriate for toddlers.

This means a couple things:

· Lots of hugs, love, kisses, smiles and excitement.

· We respect Turner as a person and realize that his emotions are just as real and valid as ours.

· We know that he is never trying to be bad. He is GOOD by nature. If he is being “bad” it is because:

o He needs more attention

o He is hungry or tired

o He is learning about something and doesn’t understand

When he is being “bad” we need to figure out which of the things above are happening and resolve them. Then the bad behavior stops.

· We don’t think that giving him what he asks for will spoil him. Though we try to only offer him healthy things (healthy foods, play activities, etc).

· We never FORCE Turner to do anything (eat, drink, walk, sit down) unless doing it could be dangerous. We talk to him, ask him questions, and reason with him to get him to do what is best.

That doesn’t mean that we “negotiate” but we explain and it usually works for us.

Example:

· He doesn’t want to put on a diaper.

· Get down on his level and ask him to look at you.

· Tell him it is important to put on a diaper or he will get pee pee on his pants and on his leg and that is wet.

· Bring him two diapers (two different colors or cloth and paper) and ask him to pick which one he wants. This usually works.

· We want him to know that if he needs something, his caregivers will be responsive and available. So, we never ignore his cries or tantrums – we get on his level and try to help him understand his feelings. *this helps him learn to be response and loving to people he cares about. As an adult, I want him to comfort his friends and girlfriends when they are sad and not tell them to suck it up or ignore their feelings.

· He gets love and attention if he is good AND if he is bad. “Badness” is just him asking for something that he doesn’t know how to ask for.

Behavior:

Tantrum or Crying

When Turner is throwing a fit or is whining we try to help him use words.

Get down on his level and look him in the eye and ask him to look at us.

In a kind tone (sing song voice):

“are you sad/mad/angry/frustrated (pick one you think he is feeling)?”

“Is Turner Mad because he wants the car?”

“That’s not our car, but you can slide on the slide with me – do you want to slide?”

OR

“Are you sad because your mama left?

“Turner is sad because his mama left”

“Your mama will be home after work, but we can blow bubbles. Do you want to blow bubbles?”

SUMMARY:

1) Identify emotion and ASK him if he feels that way

2) Try to repeat what the situation is and ASK him if you are right.

3) Tell him WHY he can’t do it, or if mama is gone, tell him she will come back,

4) Distract him with another option and make it sound fun

Being “Bad”

When he is misbehaving you can get on his level, ask him to look you in the eye, and talk to him about what you need him to do. Asking questions is most important in this.

For example: he refuses to walk

Get down and look at him

“Turner, look at Ana, please look at Ana”

“Turner doesn’t want to walk?”

“You can walk or you can ride, Ana can’t hold you now. “

“Do you want to walk?”

You can just sit there and wait for him to get in the stroller or walk.

It is important not to get into a power struggle with him and make him do something just because you said to.

Let him pick, he can sit on the sidewalk and never get home/to the park/to the next fish tank at the aquarium OR he can walk. He chooses to walk every time.

At the aquarium yesterday we had to do this exercise four times in 20 minutes. But you know what? There were no tantrums, we were all happy, and it never escalated.

If he is being “crazy” in the house, take him outside – let him run, blow bubbles, or watch the street cars drive by.

Ten Principles of Unconditional Parenting

• Consider your Requests - Maybe it is in what/how you have requested that the child is not responding favorably Maybe you need to re-think what you are doing.
• Put the Relationship First - Being right isn't necessarily what matters; it matters very little if your children stiffen when you walk into the room; what matters is the connection, the alliance, mutual respect. From a practical perspective, the relationship counts, where the child feels safe enough to explain why she did something wrong; when you put your foot down, is it worth any potential injury to the relationship?
• The Love has to be Unconditional - Love withdrawl is conditional love; when it does work, the price you are paying is too high - it says, "You have to earn my love." You go away from me or I go away from you - banishment. Kids need love that never stops coming; affection that does not have to be earned. "No matter what you do, I will never stop loving you." Stop that which gives the opposite message - positive reinforcement when they are good. Items are a display of love or a tool to control - you cannot have it both ways. When we praise them for making our lives easy, they look for that. More praise, the more insecure they become, the more dependent they become on our approval. They have to know they are loved even when they screw up or fall short. They need to know they are loved for who they are, not what they do. Time out is okay when the child decides and the time is something that helps the child center - something fun, diverting.
• Imagine how kids see Things - Look at the world from their point of view! The more you do that, the better a parent you tend to be. When I say, "X", how does she feel? Imagine how your friends (or relatives) seem to your child. From a young child's point of view, we're interfering with what looks fun.
• Be Authentic - Do not forget your humanity. Don't pretend to be more competent than you are, apologize to your child every so often ~ you'll find a reason.
• Talk less, Ask more - Listen, respond, elicit, imagine her perspective - makes you a better partner, too - manager, colleague - What is your perspective? Good parenting includes listening.
• Assume the Best ~ A tribute to Children: the best possible motive consistent with the facts. Why assume the child was trying to make you unhappy? Children of a certain age cannot understand promises, sitting still for a long family dinner. Don't assume the worst. We do not always know why kids do things. Kids live down to our negative expectations. Assume the best.
• Try to say Yes, when you can - Do not say No constantly. Sometimes you have to say No. Kids don't get better at coping with unhappiness when they were made unhappy deliberately when they were young. If you say Yes twice as often as you do now, they will still get plenty of opportunities with frustration. Pick your battles. This is not to say Yes out of laziness. Provide guidance, support. Mindful parenting. Say Yes as often as you can.
• Don't be Rigid - Wave the rules. Be flexible. Respond differently to different children and situations, understanding the context. Predictability is good, but don't make a fetish of it. United front is dishonest - more useful for kids to see we disagree and can talk it out.
• Let kids decide whenever possible - Support their autonomy, bring them in on the decision making. Children will feel better about themselves. The way kids make good decisions is by making decisions. Let them decide unless there is a compelling reason not to.

Getting Rid of the Bottle at 19 months

We've tried to get rid of it once before.

It resulted in vomiting.

T only takes a bottle at night before bed and in the middle of the night.

I've recently started to freak out about his teeth and never giving up the bottle, so two days ago I told him that we aren't going to have any more bottles, but if he is thirsty, he can have his special water bottle by his bed. We read stories on the couch before bedtime (rather than in bed) to change up the routine, and I repeated the no bottle thing over and over again.

Day 1:

He went to sleep no problem.

At 12:30 though - he became inconsolable. So we caved and gave him watered down milk.

During the day yesterday he ate like a maniac. More than I've ever seen - he was ravenous.

Day 2:

Nap time yesterday - no bottle - no problem.

Last night - no bottle - no problem.

1:30 - inconsolable. I wasn't going to give in though - so we got up and he ate.

Turns out dude was hungry.

He ate:
1/2 chicken breast
1/2 piece of bread
blueberries
a ton of seaweed

Then fell asleep.

But woke up screaming bloody murder.

We couldn't get him to calm down.

His ear infection from three weeks ago is back.

We've been up since 1:30.

I'm exhausted.

But feel good about the no-bottle thing.

Turns out all we had to do was talk to him about it and he got it.

Oh - and feed him a lot of food right before bed. I had no idea how much he was getting out of the full fat goat's milk.

Good suggestions for easy high fat/high calorie before bed snacks?



He doesn't seem sick, does he?

On Having a Second Kid

I drove down a street in our neighborhood yesterday that I don't normally drive down. I remembered a walk I took T on when he was about 9 months old.

It was hell.

He wanted to stand in the stroller, I'd forgotten the Becco/Ergo/Carrier, and when I finally let him "do" his thing, he wanted to sit on the ground and play with garbage. If I picked him up, he would do the back arch/scream/evil thing. It was a no win situation and I was stuck, four blocks from home, and I couldn't figure out how to get my kid home.

That being said:

I always assumed I would have two kids.

All my friends with babies T's age are starting to try for their second.

I think they are nuts. Don't they remember?

Bubbs and I used to joke that we didn't want another one, but as T gets easier and easier, I realized that I might not be joking anymore.

In pregnancy, I threw up every day for 5 months and spent every moment before and after the vomiting - totally nauseous. It ended when I had him. But then I had the itching. For the first two weeks he was born, my entire body itched. SERIOUSLY. I couldn't use topical stuff because it was all poison. It was like torture.

Breastfeeding was actually easy for me, but I didn't have the patience to "enjoy" it like I was supposed to. Plus, for a period of like three months, he would only nurse laying down and he was exclusively breastfed. Which was awkward to say the least. And breastfeeding is So messy.

The fluids that get everywhere.

Especially those first two weeks.

Our relationship was HARD when T was a baby. Bubbs got a little depressed from all the changes, my family got a little weird, and we truly didn't sleep. My body still hasn't recovered (take pictures of your boobs pre-baby, ladies - you'll forget what they looked like).

When T was like 6 months old, I started to get the craving for another. I chalk that bought of insanity on hormones.

And recently, I realize WHY other people have kids now. The ones you have now actually play with other kids, they want to play with YOU and you certainly don't want to put money in the coffee can all day - so they need a playmate - one that can be there at 5:30 in the morning. Plus, this is the time when you forget the other stuff.

We don't particularly have the money to pay for childcare for two.

We have a two bedroom house, so I'm not sure how that will work out.

I know there are a ton of techniques some parents use to make it work, but I'm not sure I like them.

I adore my kid. He is funny and sweet and I would give everything to make him happy (sometimes it feels like I already do). He's a joy to be around and I'm proud to be his mama.

But does he need a sibling?

Bubbs and I really like ours. We have great relationships with them.

And what happens when we die - doesn't he have a right to some immediate family left?

What happens when we go nuts - doesn't have a right to have someone to talk about it with?

I have an only child friend who said that Christmas mornings were totally sad because she had no one to play with her.

Being an aunt is one of the greatest joys of my life, would I really deprive him of that?

Is having a second kid the greatest sacrifice of all for your child?

We're obviously not tying any tubes at this point or getting out the laser pointer, but I want to make an informed decision about another one and be sure if we pass up the optimal time frame that it was on purpose and not something we regret later. I'm pretty sure if anything happens it won't be for at least two more years...but are they then so far apart that it defeats the purpose?

Why do people have second ones? How do you cope?

More montessori baby room updates!

We've made some updates to T's room that are working out beautifully!


1) Stuffed animal storage: If it doesn't fit shoved in here, it doesn't stay in our house. Plus, they are the perfect height for T to grab them and talk to them then put them back!




2) Child Safe Frames - Family pictures: See the frames to the left of the animals? Turner has been obsessed with my new family pics and points and says "see it" which then requires me to pick him up and show him the pictures. I thought he needed his own.


We took some ikea frames and heavy duty sticky velcro and stuck them to the walls (the velcro is so we can change out the pictures). It is strong enough that he can't pull them down and hurt the frames or himself, and you can't see it!


3) Glass Dog Nightlight: How fantastic is this dog? How much more fantastic is he when I tell you that he lights up? This is T's nightlight. We found him at an estate sale. I love him. I am terrified that since he's like 50 years old he's going to explode, but Bubbs swears he's safe. The light he gives off is gloriously mellow low light.


4) 3D Fisherman Painting: This painting. Well. It really speaks for itself.


5) Ikea globe light: T's room doesn't come with an overhead light, so we had to find lamps. This one is fantastic. The light is really pretty and its bright enough for stories when it is dark out.



His room is one of my favorite rooms in the house. Not only because it is calming compared to the rest of the chaos, but because we get great time together in there...and, everything is safe.

Mornings at our House

T realizing that he can make his finger point - he's been obsessed with his body parts lately.

All the baby websites say that you have to start traditions early...but so far, we realize we don't really have any.

Things we plan to continue as T gets older (and hope he appreciates as much as we do):

Eat dinner together every night at the table
Have "come one come all" Golden Gate Park days
Celebrate Hardly Strictly Bluegrass like it is a holiday
Go to the farmer's market twice a week and pick up special fruits and vegis
Family bedtime - we all cuddle up, read books, and snuggle down together until T falls asleep.
New Years Day baby brunch - all friends and kids open house at our house

Some things I hope we can start doing:
Reading the paper together on Sunday mornings (right now T just EATS it)
Having homemade pizza on Sundays. This is one of Bubb's favorite memories as a kid.


We DO have a tradition that has become a special thing for our family, which surprises me.

Every morning when T wakes up, he grabs my hand and leads me into the kitchen.

"Cheeee ooooo" (tranlations: cheerios)

I grab a small handful of cheerios out of the box (usually stale, since it takes us weeks to go through them), put them on the floor in front of the living room heater vent, and turn up the heater to 70.


(that close up shot makes me realize how badly we need to replace the heater vents)

Source: shop4classics.com via Mama on Pinterest

side note: wouldn't these be nice?

When Bubbs and I were little, we were NOT allowed to turn on the heater most days. It was a special treat for particularly cold days (I was from Northern California and he lived in Tennessee, so I think our "particularly cold days" were probably very different. This funny similarity brought us closer when we were dating, but as we've become parents, we've realized just how much creature comforts can mean - and what special memories they create. We don't need T to be "tough" or learn the hard way. He'll get natural consequences as life goes on.

T and Bubbs cuddle up, they snuggle, read books and feed each other cheerios as Mama makes coffee. When the coffee is ready, I bring Daddy a cup, bring T his sippy cup of water, and I snuggle up on my special spot on the sectional and we begin our day slowly and magically.

Not one day goes by that this isn't our routine. I really really like it.

Unconditional Parenting and Why it Works for Her (Guest Post)

Since my youngin' is only 14 month and barely talking, I thought I'd have my sister of Dirt Don't Hurt Mom weigh in and tell us about her success with Unconditional Parenting.

In our house, we read Alfie Kohn's book, but she watched the Unconditional Parenting DVD's.

We shared our recent success with Unconditional Parenting here.

I have to say that her kids are pretty much always well behaved when they are with us even for extended periods of time. Even when things get hard or they miss their mom...especially now that we unconditional parent her kids too.

Take it away, sis...

With two kids under 4, 20 months apart, I’d try anything.

Discipline was taking a toll on me. I yelled. They screamed and cried. They flat out refused to do what I asked. We were bribing with candy or TV or popcorn and a movie. Everything felt wrong about this. We weren’t working as a team. We were struggling and fighting and playing a game of chicken. This was not the way I wanted to be interacting with my children. Not now and certainly not when they are teenagers.

I picked up the “Unconditional Parenting” DVD, because I knew it would be close to impossible to get my husband to read the book. I had heard some friends discuss the philosophies and techniques used in the book, and was curious. It sounded hippy dippy, overly sensitive, and unrealistic. It also seemed to be working with their children.
Plus, I’m a little hippy dippy, sometimes overly sensitive and usually optimistically unrealistic.

My husband and I sat down and watched the video together (after I pre-screened it to make sure he’d sit through it and it wasn’t bizarre). We listened to Alfie Kohn explain that our children should know that we love and respect them, and that we should always treat them with love and respect, just the way we expect them to treat others.

We listened. Sometimes we looked at each other in disbelief.

Then the seminar was over and we discussed what we had heard. In talking to one another, we realized that we BOTH thought that aspects of his philosophy would work really well for our kids. We also discovered that there were parts of his philosophy that we knew we would not be able to implement when we were seeing red, after a long day, when both kids are already hysterical. We agreed to follow his practices as much as possible, but to be flexible with ourselves, to forgive one another when we each just couldn’t maintain composure, and to acknowledge that it was going to be very hard to change our patterns.

We also talked about taking over for one another when it was clear that the parent doing the disciplining was in over their head (too angry, being ganged up on, overly tired).

Our list of “Do’s and Don’ts”:

DO: Take a moment to look at things from your child’s perspective. Think about how your child will best respond. Go with that.

DO: Always assume best intentions. Your child probably isn’t being malicious. They have opinions and emotions and those should be respected.

DO: Ask simple questions. If you don’t understand their motive, ask. If they are little, guess, and ask for affirmation.

DO: Offer solutions that respect their feelings.

DON’T: Think of it as punishment. Think of it as brainstorming.

DON’T: Minimize their emotions. If a child is mad, explain that it’s ok to be mad, but it’s not ok to hit. If the child sad, it’s ok to be sad and cry, but I can’t understand what you need when you are crying. When you are ready to talk, I’ll be able to help you.

DON’T: dumb it down. Children that are spoken to in a respectful, grown up way are more likely to feel like a part of the solution, because you are talking to them like you talk to daddy (or mommy). **Disclaimer-I have no idea if this is actually true. But it’s working for me.

This is how it goes down:

My 2 ½ year old son hits his sister on the back because she is feeding cat treats to the cat (this happened at 7:30 am this morning, so it is fresh in my mind.)

“Darian, you CAN’T FEED THOSE TO THE CATS” Smack, Smack, Smack.

Darian is sobbing because he hit her HARD.

Old technique:

“RHYS WILLIAM. NO HITTING! Tell your sister you are sorry!”
“NO!”
“You apologize to your sister for hurting her. We ask nicely for things”

He is now sobbing because I’m yelling and visibly upset.

“You will go to your room until you can apologize to your sister and calm down.”

Screaming, crying “NOOOO, No room, No mommy!!!!” kicking as I carry him and plop him hard on the bed, running out to close the door before he gets up and grabs on to me.
30 seconds later, he’s wailing in the hallway, screaming at the top of his lungs. I put him back in his room, stating “We don’t hit. Kids that hit go to their rooms. We do not hit in our family.” I, meanwhile am being kicked and punched and he’s wiggling out of my arms while he wails and wails.

This happens 2 or 3 more times, and nothing positive is happening. So my heart melts, I go in to soothe him, and he is so worked up that it takes 25 minutes to get him to stop crying. Plus, he probably pees himself because he’s so upset, which makes him MORE upset (because he’s been working so hard to be a potty trained “big boy”).

This is when I realize that I’ve just punished him using the EXACT same techniques he had just used with his sister. AND I have to wash an extra load of laundry. AND dinner is burned.
Feelings: Shame. Guilt. He’s confused and I’m horrified with myself.

I still respond this way on overtired days. It only makes me more tired and feel tremendously defeated.

New technique:

My first order of business. Move Rhys away from Darian so he can’t hurt her. Tell him:

“Your sister is hurt. I’m going to help her feel better and then we can talk about what happened.”

I hold Darian and talk to her softly about how I know that her brother hit her, and that I’m so sorry that happened. Rhys is now sobbing on the couch. I tell Darian that I’m going to talk to Rhys about what he just did. She’s only ok with this because I tended to her first.

There is no rule about cat treats in our house, so I know that he is probably just upset that she was doing something he wanted to do.

I get very close to Rhys, making sure I touch him lovingly while speaking, and say
(Seeing things from the child’s perspective): “Buddy, it seemed like you wanted to give the cat a treat. Is that what you wanted?” (I guessed his motive and asked for affirmation because he was already worked up and upset. If we were discussing something that needed to be done in the future, ie: making his bed, I would have asked him for his feedback instead. He’s so little still that he has difficulty coming up with the words and this works him up even more.)

He nods or says “yes.”

If you don’t know, ask: “You hit Darian instead of telling her what you needed. That hurt her body and her feelings. Did you want to hurt her?”

“No.”

Offer solutions that respect their feelings: “Do you think you should have just asked her nicely to let you give the cat a treat, too rather than hitting her when you were mad?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Okay, so next time please say ‘Darian, I’d like to give him one after you give him one’”

He repeats me.

I turn to Darian. “D, please always give your brother a turn when he asks you nicely. Sharing is important in our family and in the whole world. Rhys, buddy, it’s your turn now! One treat only, please.”

This whole process takes about 5 minutes, tops. The initial screaming and crying is over within 2 minutes, and we may have a few minutes of discussion.

Feelings: Elation, Pride, a sense of unity. Rhys feels heard, Darian feels defended, and the situation is diffused immediately.

Let me just say, I am NOT always in a place where this is successful. I fail miserably
a) In the middle of the night
B) After a long day at work
C) When I’m trying to get us out of the house on time

In general, my kids are confident, and feel like they have a voice in our family because of these techniques. This is a ROYAL PAIN IN MY ASS at least 50 percent of the time. EVERYTHING is up for discussion.

I spend all my waking hours discussing options with my children. RARELY do they just do what I ask. This isn’t easy. It’s not convenient. But it is worth it. They are perfect for everyone else. They trust me. And I feel like they will continue to trust me and talk me through their problems both at home and in the world.

I don’t beat myself up when I slip up. I fail 50% of the time. We still put Rhys in his room when he’s crying uncontrollably for some who knows why reason. My husband and I have a really hard time handing the “crybaby” factor. While we know there IS a reason for the tears, we have yet to discover a way to diffuse them quickly. I need a break sometimes or I’m at risk of REALLY going off the handle. This doesn’t actually solve anything, nor does it limit the amount of tantrum time, but it does give me a moment to pity myself and breathe (or pee) before I dive back in to toddler hormone hell.

While the successes are TREMENDOUSLY SUCCESSFUL, the failures are equally as miserable.
What I’ve found is that since we have started using this method, my children are significantly more sensitive when I’m not so open to seeing things from their perspective. They are more confused and more volatile. It’s helpful if I can calm myself down quickly and switch to “unconditional” mode.

My sister and I use the “Unconditional Parenting” guidelines differently for our children. She is starting with T younger than I started with my kids, and they have one child on which they can focus all of their energy, while we have the added challenge of two. He’s also a different kid than either of mine. My hubby and I partner differently, and our backgrounds and personal histories make each of our experiences unique. Both of our variations on the method work. And they work on each other’s children☺




If you have questions on specific situations and how I would handle them, please feel free to ask in the comments. I’ll do my best to give you a good example.

Unconditional Parenting and Why it Works for us

So T's only 1. We don't do a lot of discipline.

When he was very young we read the book Unconditional Parenting and were intrigued. My sister (with a 4 and 2 year old) read it as well. In his examples we both saw ourselves.

I remember being very confused and lacking trust in my parents as a small child. I used to get in trouble all the time for things I didn't think I could help and things I didn't know were wrong when I did them. They used to yell at us and ask questions that I truly didn't know the answers to.

My parents did the best they could and followed the examples they had, but I wanted to avoid this with my son.

I was a BAD kid. Or I thought I was. I realize now (through therapy and being an adult), I sometimes just didn't get what I needed so I acted out.

Unconditional Parenting talks about a lot, but there are a couple things that struck us and that seem to work.

1) If you don't want your kid to play, explore, touch and possibly break something. Get it out of his way.

We have to remind ourselves of this all the time, but it really makes our lives much easier, our home life really pleasant, and T feels free to explore his surroundings. We had to move our floor lamps so he wouldn't knock them over, sell our white furniture, and we spend a LOT of time putting books back on shelves. This way, when we say NO because something is dangerous - he actually listens.

2) Help your child come up with their own solution to problems by asking questions.

This has JUST started working with T. Last night, Bubbs was home alone with T and T started whining and fussing. Bubbs looked at him and said, "I can't understand your whining, show me what you want." This is instead of what our Pediatrician (ugh) says to do, which is ignore him and he'll stop. T grabbed his dad's finger, and dragged him to the door. T said "Kiki" - which clearly means he wants to go upstairs to see the cats.

One night we were babysitting my sister's oldest who was 3 1/2 at the time. Her mom forgot to pack her princess pajama pants and she was in meltdown mode. She refused to go to sleep without them and was screaming. We kept trying to offer her different things to wear and telling her there was nothing we could do...but then Bubbs remembered Unconditional Parenting and asked a question, "What would make it better for you?" She replied, "wear my clothes to bed."

Done - we didn't care if she wore her clothes to bed.

***
When I shared these ideas with my parents, they sort of brushed them off. They both are very respectful of my sister and I in parenting, but can get defensive or a little judgmental if they think we are being too weak. I admit I jumped when they said jump, but not because I respected them, but because I was afraid of them. Which DID NOT serve me well as a teenager b/c I realized they had no actual authority - so I rebelled without worry.

My mom recently read the book and admitted she was swayed by the research and stories as well. And my dad finally admitted on his last visit, that the parents he judged for being to "easy" on their kids, ended up with great respectful well behaved children.

The most important thing we took from that book was that short term results that make life easier as a parent now, do not always equal long term success. This is something Bubbs and I have to remind ourselves of regularly.

It is So hard not to judge other parents. I rarely speak out on things I disagree with when it comes to parenting - I know I've been judged for re-directing T in playgroups rather than shaming him for "misbehaving" but I realize that the embarrassment I feel when I'm getting stared down by other parents at the park and the lack of sleep and clean up we do, will hopefully help T become a well adjusted adult with critical thinking skills and a love for learning.

Proud attachment parents

I say this with the disclaimer that all of what I am about to say could also just be my baby's personality. I am SO not judging, but I feel so proud of what we've done.

Attachment parenting is HARD work. Especially for the mama. Feeding on demand, waking up for every cry and comforting, being aware and listening to his every move. I also realize that its just not possible for some people and that in order to save themselves, they have to choose other styles.

This morning when I realized that we are pacifier free without any work, dude's sleeping through the night without crying, and happy and healthy - I finally feel like it is all worth it.

There were weeks when I would feel like I was going to crack after all night nursing sessions, working, and dealing with cold after cold.

But we powered through and I feel like our relationship is solid and dude's paci free!