Two Bedrooms and Two Babies - Our Second Homebirth Story

Turner came early, so I was prepared for you to come early too.

Your dad was off work, the freezer was stocked, all the last minute baby projects were completed. 

Much like during T’s pregnancy, my blood pressure would get high when I was stressed, but generally I was able to bring it down by going deep inside myself and imagining a peaceful place.

Twice, during this pregnancy, we had to schelp over to Kaiser, check in, and practically fight with the staff there to get minimal testing to be sure I didn’t have pre-eclampsia.  They checked my blood pressure, drew blood, did an ultrasound, and monitored your heart rate.  Each time we went everything was perfect with my health and it confirmed the fact that I did NOT want to give birth in a hospital.

Before I was pregnant the first time, I never would have thought that there would be such a mind/body connection possible.  Aside from any labor techniques, I was able to bring my blood pressure down from 154/79 to 118/79.  That is huge.  I closed my eyes and imagined my body getting very heavy.  Then I pictured myself on the hot tub deck at the river house with a glass of cold white wine and my two boys playing legos on the deck quietly.   It always worked.

My 30^th birthday and your due date came and went.   I was starting to become more uncomfortable, and in an effort to keep my blood pressure low, I cut off almost all contact to the outside world.  This was frustrating to so many people, I’m sure, since we’re deep into construction and permitting at the river house and I was the manager of the project at one point!

We did a lot of walking to the beach and back, through the park, in the neighborhood, but since my last check with the midwives, on my due date (3/25) my cervix was dilated to a 6, I just assumed that at any minute I would go into labor.

Five days after my due date on 3/30, Bibi, Stephanie, your dad and I were sitting in the living room chatting.  I had taken some herbal tinctures (under guidance from the midwives) the day before and also taken some that day.  I had tried to take castor oil that day as well, but threw it all up around three o’clock and never saw any effects from it.

Around 8pm, I had my first contraction.  Since our midwives had pretty much said that the baby could come within an hour of going into labor, we called them and they all came over immediately (Ami, Kara, and Hanna).  I was in pretty bad pain, so I hopped in the tub (since I was already a six, I didn’t think it would slow anything down).

Already, I knew that this labor was so different from my last.  With Turner’s birth, I had no break between contractions.  There was no chatting, no laughing.  I was a wild animal in pain and nothing would help.  If you got in my way, I would physically assault you since I couldn’t find a place in my brain for words.

This labor was amazing.  My contractions had a clear beginning and end.  I would have a minute or two between them and I would feel totally fine.  The contractions themselves varied from minor to very intense pain. 

At one point, my midwife told me that another mama (that I had met through our group pre-natal visits) was in labor as well – so she would be leaving and the other midwife would come.  I loved it b/c most mamas only get one of the midwives at their birth and I got both!

My contractions slowed down for a bit, so I got out of the tub to walk around.  This REALLY helped bring them on faster and harder – but the pain was unbearable. 

When my labor initially started, my mom had climbed into bed with Turner in case he woke up.  At this point, around 1am, I heard him crying.   I climbed into the tub and my contractions stopped.  I just listened.  Eventually his crying stopped and I heard him talking about sesame street.  I heard he, Tim and my mom leaving the house (at 1am) to go watch sesame street at her flat (right above ours).   It was really amazing how my “plan” for what to do with T was happening EXACTLY as I had pictured it. The minute the door closed, I had an intense contraction.  That mind/body connection was present again.  I couldn’t labor while my son was awake.

I was becoming really frustrated with the lack of increasing intensity of the contractions.  At one point I decided to go for a walk around the block (when I suggested this to the midwives, I got a very funny look).  Halfway down the stairs, I had a major contraction and decided to stick closer to home.

But, I did start climbing our interior stairs.  Up and down, stopping for contractions and bringing them on faster and faster.  Once I was confident they were fast enough, I started circling our house – stopping at the front entrance (same place I labored with Turner) and leaning on our shoe/entry table. 

I still didn’t feel like much was happening so I checked in with my midwives.  We decided to do an internal check to see how dilated I was and possibly break my waters to get things going again.  It was 2:30am at this point.  I was tired, and honestly, a little bored with the whole thing.  I kept saying that I knew I just had too much downtime.

Waiting for one final contraction to finish, I got checked on my bed.  I had gone from 6cm two weeks before to SEVEN F-ING centimeters after 6 hours of labor.  We decided to go ahead with breaking the water.

At 2:30, my midwife reached in to break my bag.  She wasn’t certain she had gotten it since his head was really well engaged in my cervix.  Immediately, I had a contraction that felt like my entire labor with Turner.  I turned into an animal.  I ran, naked, across the house and jumped into the tub.  On my knees with my arms hanging over the edge, I started making low OOOO sounds.  They would eventually turn into screams and cussing.  I had a several second break until the next one came.  The Oooopen noises I had been making somehow made it worse – but I guess they were successfully helping to open my cervix, because on the next contraction I started bearing down. 

Now with Turner, pushing and bearing down was delightful.  I loved every second of it.  This was HORRIFYING.  It was happening very fast, I wasn’t ready, and it felt much different than with T.  I was a little confused since moments before I still had 3 cm to dilate, so it took me a second to realize I was pushing.

I announced I was pushing and heard someone reference the fact that they were checking me.  I heard “complete.”  Not that anyone could have stopped me at that moment.

My midwife was kneeling in front of me and I had grabbed her hand and was tearing into it with each straining push.  After two pushes, I yelled, “he’s coming.”  I remembered they wanted me to lean back with Turner, so I automatically leaned back.  I heard them yell for Tim who was in the back room for some reason.  With one more push, his head was out.  I couldn’t get his body though – someone checked for a cord – which was wrapped around his neck.  Once they got that off, someone unhooked his shoulder and he came flying out. 

Dude was crying.  Looked like his grandfather. 

I was exhausted.

The next few days were really hard.  I was exhausted and Turner was sad to miss so much of his mama.  The new baby didn’t sleep well until my milk came in, so I was running on empty.

We’re on day 7 of Baby Daschel’s life and I’m blissed out at the moment.

We’ve figured out a way for me to have “special time” with T.  My milk came in and with the help of a nipple shield, Baby D is getting plenty of milk and is sleeping like a champ.

It truly feels like my family is complete now.  I’m a boy mom and I’m thrilled.

Waiting for baby

With baby number two (and final), the pregnancy has gone by so much more quickly.

Even these last three weeks, while I'm waiting, the days fly by.  I'm now only a week out from my due date - though I'm anxious to get the party started, I know the baby will eventually come and life as we know it will cease.

Our Au Pair has arrived and I'm already so grateful for her.  She swooped in, got started right away, and T can't stop staring into her eyes and smiling.  She plays really well with him, and since he's madly in love with her, he does whatever she says.  We adults love her too.  She fits in really well, seems to need as much alone time as we do, and joins in when we have company.  This process could have been a total disaster in a number of ways, but so far, we feel so lucky.

A my midwife appointment last week, my blood pressure was a bit high.  Even with visualization, which helped me bring it down when it was high when I was pregnant with T, didn't do much.  They had me come back two days later, and it was even higher.  After a little cry about possibly having to be induced (but being assured my midwives would be there while it happened), we headed to Kaiser for some testing to see what was going on.  Bubbs is home now for his leave, so luckily, he was able to take me to Kaiser for testing.

I have no other symptoms of pre-eclampsia than high blood pressure, but our midwives take no chances - if I want a homebirth I have to do whatever they say to ensure them that I have a normal pregnancy.

So, after an amazing mexican breakfast, we headed to Kaiser.  Navigating the parking lot is sure to raise anyone's blood pressure.  We arrived in labor and delivery and they had us wait in a yellow waiting room with burgundy chairs.  I started crying again - "I don't want to have my baby here, it is so ugly!"  Sobbing and laughing at the same time helped to relieve some of the stress.

Aside from how ugly Kaiser was, I realized just how grateful I am for my midwife team:

- The Kasier nurse demanded that I take of my clothes and put on a gown.  When I asked why, since they would be taking my blood pressure and doing an ultrasound, she said it was "just in case."  Um, "just in case WHAT?"  I put the damn gown on, but over my clothes :)

- When it was time to take my blood pressure, there were three alarms going off, plus my baby's heart rate monitor.  I'm trying to visualize being on a hot deck in the summer with an ice cold glass of wine while I have what sounds like a war going on around me.   Helpful.  In my midwive's office, I'm a lovely sofa and she checked to make sure I was okay with the light conversation going on outside the room.

- When my urine tests came back, the nurse says, "negative."  I was like, "um, negative for what?"  My midwives would have explained it all upfront.

- The nurse who came to take my blood couldn't find a vein and was really rough with me.  This is after I told her I hate getting blood draw.

-They gave me instructions for a 24 hour pee collection - I followed them, then brought the pee back the next day only to be told that I didn't do it right and they couldn't use it.

The good news is - I went from having 152/70 to 118/69 using visualization.  All my testing came back perfectly normal and my homebirth is still on.

I had acupuncture (twice) to help me keep my calm - and man was it groovy (the second time - the first time was just weird since I didn't speak the language of the acupuncturist).

We're in the waiting game now - trying to keep the house clean with all of us here full time and trying to keep me calm.

The birth tub is set up, the meals are frozen, and now it is just time to relax.

Baby Dropped and Heartburn Gone!

I've had NASTY heartburn for the last 8 weeks or so. 

The kind that wakes me up.

I was taking Papaya enzyme for the majority of it, but lately I've had to resort to Tums.

So, a few days ago I was convinced I was going into labor.

I was having lots of regular braxton hicks PLUS pain under my belly (across my lower abdomen).

I even had Bubbs stay home and take T to school that morning so I could rest.

Anyway, I realized that the baby had dropped and that was the big difference.

Now, three days later, I realize that my heartburn is GONE.  I haven't taken papaya in three days!

Baby dropped = heartburn gone?   I don't remember that from last time, but groovy.

I also heard that second timers don't have the baby drop early - but this guy is low.  Very low.

Bedside tables for a room with no room!

Our new bedroom is working out marvelously.



It feels like a secret adult place in our totally kid house.



But...I like to read in bed, and drink water before I fall asleep.

So far, we've been reaching into the bedside "closets" to put the water down, but as I thought about breastfeeding in bed, I started to get nervous about how that would work.  Plus, with my giant belly, I'm having trouble sitting up on my own and it required a little reaching.

At ikea the other day, I saw the Ribba picture ledges and knew they would be perfect!

I bought 2 and wish I had bought more.



I don't LOVE the way they look, but they hold a glass of water nicely, my book perfectly, and require no getting up at all.

Plus, surprisingly, we don't knock them at all when we get up.

Quick easy solution.

Love it.

Homebirth Ready

We had a homebirth with T.

Last night was our team meeting with our midwives.   They all came over to our house, checked our supplies (we have to order a lot of supplies to have ready, along with preparing other things like coconut water, towels, sheets, etc), and we talked about our plan for when the baby comes.

I am a very internal birther.  It might have been because my last labor was so short, but I'm pretty sure it is also just who I am :)

This is the same team that cared for us while I was having T, so they have some experience.  I cursed out one midwife and actually slapped the other - I'm actually quite surprised they took me back :)

They joked a bit about how I'm a fire breathing dragon :)  I'm so grateful for my midwife team.

My instructions to my midwives (and husband and mother) were simple:

1. Don't touch me unless you need to for medical reasons
2. Don't talk to me unless for medical reasons or to warn me you are going to touch me
3. Keep T out of the house unless he is sleeping - no matter what.  If T needs comfort, I'd rather have Bubbs leave me than have T come into a room I'm in while I'm laboring.  If T is scared, offer to turn on Sesame Street - I'm sure he'll be fine after that :)
4. No internal checks if we can avoid it
5. If you have to talk to me, speak loudly and clearly - don't whisper or be gentle.

I've been anxious for this baby to come (though the pregnancy has flown by), but last night, as I poured myself a glass of milk with ice (I know), T was asleep, and I started reading my book, I decided I really needed to embrace this time before the baby comes.  I'll be exhausted for the next two years.  

Bubbs and I have a babymoon this weekend - the plan is to eat well and float in warm water all day long.  Can't wait.



This was a pic from 34 weeks.  I'm giant now.  This is the one pic we have of my pregnant belly :)

Let the Nesting Begin!

My maternity leave starts this week.

I usually shop during the week, alone,  but this morning, I needed help.  My list was two full pages long - I know I'll want to get my cooking on this week and I need to get ready for the massive cook and freeze fest :)

Season 3 of Sex and the City is downloaded, I have 20 aluminum pans, millions of gallon zip locks, and two industrial size rolls of aluminum foil.

So, Bubbs, T and I headed off to Trader Joe's this morning.

$320.00 later we're ready to make:

30 Breakfast Burritos (beans, eggs, chipotle, spinach, onions, peppers)
20 Bean and Cheese Burritos (beans, cheese, spinach, onions, peppers)
3 lasagne's (basic lasagne with tons o spinach)
24 Soups (I'll make the soup bases now (stock, celery, onion, carrots) and then make whatever soup tickles my fancy when the babe arrives).  The list now includes: kale, kielbasa, white bean; chicken barley; broccoli cheese; spinach; chicken noodle; and lentil.
Vegetarian Chili
42 Oatmeal Banana Muffins (no flour, butter, or sugar!)
4 pans of enchiladas (most likely green chili)

All this, plus, this week's food, TJ's frozen stuff for lunches, plus a dozen coconut waters for those very thirsty days after labor.

Everything is organic and free range except the cheese - hard to find bulk pre-shredded cheese that is from grass-fed cows.

The lasagnes are in the oven now.

****

We broke down to get some help cleaning now, since I'm barely able to get my shoes on without help.  Pants, HA!  Hardly.  I've been trying to clean a bit here and a bit there, but we have dust bunnies hiding everywhere, I haven't vacuumed in over a week, and changing the sheets makes me double over in pain.  Hopefully this woman can help us out for a couple months until I'm ready to start cleaning for myself again.

I'm pretty uncomfortable and almost always having braxton hicks contractions.

I go to Kaiser tomorrow for my GBS screen and a ultrasound to check babe's position (my midwives want to be sure he's head down).

The following day is our "team meeting" where our midwives meet with everyone who will be at the birth and we go over the plan.  We have to have all of our supplies ready (newborn hats, thermometer, towels, ugly sheets, etc.)  for the meeting.

This S*$% is getting real.

I could have this baby tomorrow and feel prepared though.  I'd just like the laundry to be done before the baby arrives.  Wishful thinking.

Organic Non-Toxic Baby Supplies

So, since we got pregnant with T, we've been on a health kick.  No BPA in the house, no microwaving in plastic, and almost 100% organic vegis, with all free-range organic meats.

One thing we read which we found really convincing was that the SIDS issue was partly caused by flame retardants in baby mattresses.  Most people buy new mattresses and the babies, when they sleep on their tummies, breathe in the toxins all night long.

We bought an organic mattress, and we were particularly glad when T made it VERY clear at a very young age that he was a tummy sleeper.  We tried to get him to sleep on his side, on his back, on our chest, but eventually we gave in.  Dude liked to sleep like a little roasted chicken with his booty in the air and his face in the mattress.

We bought him a crib mattress which at the time seemed a little excessive price wise, but as we're about to use it with our second baby - we're so glad we made the investment with our first!



T slept really well on it, even with his excessive vomiting (pretty much his entire life) the mattress looks good as new as we took it out of storage.  When we did our garage clean out/moving baby things into the house again move, we realized one thing we didn't do well - the changing table.

Baby T actually did spend a good bit of time there.  Bubbs would play him guitar, he had stuff to look at, and was generally happy, but we didn't think about the fact that the changing pad was made of plain OLD foam.  We had inherited it from my sister, and at the time weren't as aware of the dangers of foam decomposing.  After being in our garage for a year, it was in even worse shape, so we tossed it.  Strangely, there weren't a lot of alternatives to the poison foam ones!

Once again I did a search for naturepedic (since we had such good luck there with our crib mattress) and ended up purchasing the contoured changing pad as well.

While I usually prefer to buy things used, I couldn't find this used at all!

We dropped a few more dollars on this than we had originally planned, but our little guys are so important to us and anything we can do to increase their safety and health, we're in for.

I'm still going to handmake a changing pad cover once my leave starts (in 7 days!), but for now, T likes to put his dolls on it (it fits perfectly on our ikea expedit shelves too!).

*the links included in this post are paid advertisements - I wouldn't endorse them if I didn't love them and truly believe in their benefits.

On having two boys

I'm going to be the mom of boys.

Only boys.

This is it for us - I wont do pregnancy again, and Bubbs and I are just too sensitive and enjoy adult life just a little too much to go through infancy after this round.  We believe really strongly in attachment parenting, but that stuff will suck the life right out of you, so once this sacrifice is over, I look forward to enjoying my kids and my life.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping while the boys played at home (well, Bubbs and T) and listened to Rent in the car.  The musical. 

I'm a little sad I won't get to listen with my daughter someday.  Not that the lyrics are appropriate for anyone under 16.  My brother is straight and loves musicals and gets the same joy out of them as I do.   So what's the deal?

I'm a feminist and live in San Francisco.  I get that either of my sons could LOVE musicals, they could be gay or straight, or one day they could reveal that they are actually women, or want to dress as women, or numerous other things.  They could be republicans, or salesmen, or nudists.  I know I have no control over what they like and who they are, but for some reason, despite all my years of gender studies, I feel like a daughter would be different than a son.

As I prepare to only have boys and as I wait to meet my last child, I'm really starting to wonder why I'm mourning not having a girl (and by mourning, I mean I got a little sad about it for 10 minutes yesterday).

I think most people would consider me a tomboy.  In fact, I actually had a "friend" tell me once in college that she thought my college boyfriend might be gay, but that she thought it might work out because I'm kinda "boyish." (Yeah - WTF?!).  I was never really taught femininity nor do I value it the way a lot of people do.  Plus, since I've had kids, my weight is up, I don't feel pretty, so I'm not going to waste the time on it all until I feel "normal" again.   I'd rather spend my money on experiences and my house than my appearance.  I always think that if I had more money I would spend more time and energy on feminine things, but I'm not sure that's the case.  So, based on all of this, its not like I want to play princess with a little girl.

But,
I am really good at french braiding (is that even relevant now that the 90s are over?),
Girl Clothes are WAY more interesting than boy clothes,
I could teach my little girl things my mom didn't teach me,
I'm really good at planning events and I want to help plan a wedding.

I wonder if the role I play in my sons' life will be that of a "mother" and not that of a person.  Does that make sense? 
Will they care about my life path and how I got where I am? 
Will I ever get to share secrets with them about life? 

There are secrets I'd share with a daughter that I'm not sure I would share with a son.  Secrets about life that I've learned that are only fair to give to your daughter, but not fair expectations to put on your son's mate.  Sexist, yes. 

I also feel like being pregnant, a mother, and a wife have been experiences that have forever changed me, in fantastic ways.  I'm not sure if my boys will ever care.  Will they find strength or think I'm cool b/c I pushed them out at home with no drugs? 

I suppose maybe a daughter wouldn't care either.  But the chances she wants to read about my pregnancy are higher than the chances my son will, right?

Anyway - I still feel great about having two boys.  I can't fail them in not teaching them about moisturizing and waxing.   They will grow up probably appreciating women with normal bodies and who don't wear make up.  They will hopefully share their secrets with each other and in my wildest dreams they are actually friends - though I know that is asking a lot.

Logistically, this works too.  They can share a room longer, wear the same clothes (poor baby D all hand me downs for him) until they start having opinions, you know - that kind of stuff.  Dealing with teenaged girls scares me to death. 

And, my husband still loves his mama in a way that warms my heart - that is different than the way a girl loves her mom, I think.

Both my boys are wanted and loved, already.  Just to be clear.

Two bedrooms and two little boys

We had our anatomy scan today.  They wouldn't let Bubbs into the room with me b/c he was late and they suck.  I had the tech write the sex down so we could see it for the first time together. 

He was so upset that he was stuck outside - I could just see it on his face when I walked out, but we opened the envelope and saw we were having a boy.

Lil T is having a brother.

I'm thrilled.

Honestly, I kinda have an internal struggle with being as feminine as I'd like and not knowing how that jives with being a feminist.  Plus, not knowing HOW to be feminine and hating myself for spending money on things like clothes and salons and makeup when it could got to savings or groceries.

So, I never have to teach anyone about bikini waxes or body hair management, worry about spending thousands on a wedding dress, deal with the slutty 6 year old Halloween costumes, or any of those other things.

I do realize that all we know is what body parts our babe is born with, but having a child has taught me that gender is NOT necessarily a socially constructed thing (as I wrote in all my college papers), but there is a spectrum we all fall on.  T surprises me with his love of superheros (despite me never introducing them to him), trucks, legos, and also his love of his "baby" (elmo), feeding him, loving on him, and being so gentle with his baby.  I may still have to buy a wedding dress or teach how to apply makeup, but for now, I'm comfortable and happy with my two boys.

I had issues at first with our boy name being just a cool name I heard, and not something "meaningful," but the only meaningful name we could come up with was "bob" and I'm not going to do that to a poor innocent baby.

His name has a SUPER cool nickname and a very distinguished full name that will totally do for a supreme court justice.

Bubbs and I are both incredibly hairy and I am so glad not to pass these genes onto a poor woman (at least with today's beauty standards).

Hopefully pics to come on the new groovy rooms soon - we still love them to pieces - I just have to make my bed first to make that happen.

Decorating and Kicking

18 weeks today.  This baby is KICKING - like so you can feel it on the outside.  Looking back, I think I felt it with T at 22 weeks (but my placenta was in the front).

Bubbs felt it this weekend and T keeps yelling, "my brother is kicking me!"  

My nausea is still horrible if I don't take my medicine, but as long as I take it in regular intervals, I can keep it at bay.  I do have a low energy when I first take it, which is a bummer for T, but it is better than vomiting.  For sure.

I had a surge of energy.

We switched rooms. T and Baby Santa Clause (that's the name T has given the new baby) will share the big room and Mama and Daddy get the smaller one.

I painted (with zero VOC BM Paint) a deep dark grey, and over the course of the two day weekend, we built ikea kitchen cabinets as dressers (similar to young house love's old master bedroom), turned T's new room into a playroom/bedroom, and just generally kicked serious ass in the decorating department.

I have to say that I'd forgotten how good it felt to decorate. I get a serious high when I can turn a blank canvas (or baby room) into a sexydarkgroovy well thought out room.  Even if I cheated and stole ideas from other people.  We all slept very well last night - maybe from working so hard and maybe b/c our new rooms are just what they were supposed to be.

We sold our Kivik sofa downstairs in the rumpus room to prepare the room for construction so our Au Pair will have a decent place to live when she arrives in February.  The sale of the sofa completely paid for our new room transformation!

Photos to come.

little belly, little barfing

Still barfing at 16 weeks.  Still nauseous.

Little belly pooch and up two pounds (and growing).  (wanted to track so I could compare to T's pregnancy).

Could be the junk food I'm stuffing in my body.

My work cut my pay in January due to a union disagreement / imposed contract.  So, we can't afford for Tim to stay home with the baby as we planned when we decided to do this thing.

So, the only kind of childcare we can afford (and keep T in school that he loves and we love) is an Au Pair.  And we think we found a fantastic one.  An Au Pair is an exchange student who comes to care for your children in exchange for a small stipend and room and board.  It ends up being way more than that because the agency fees double what you pay the Au Pair, but still much cheaper than a SF nanny and about the same as an in home day care.

Till next time.

Month one - and I'm out.

*written months ago - posted after notifying my boss (who I sincerely hope doesn't know this blog exists, but might)

So, we've officially been trying for one cycle.

(oh - yeah - I'm not publishing this yet - so you're reading WAY after the fact ).

I went a little nuts and even after day three of spotting (on days 9, 10, and 11 Days past detected ovulation) I took a pregnancy test.

I decided to officially call today "light" bleeding on fertilityfriend (where you can chart all the delightfully delicious fertility signs/symptoms, like, cervical mucus, body temperature, when you did it, etc) and start my cycle from day one.

Last night (and I knew how crazy I was, thank you very much), I googled to find all the stories of people who got their periods and were STILL pregnant.

I know.

So, we're off to month two.

I'm cutting my coffee consumption in half (and adding half decaf to the grounds mixture), taking my pre-natals, and re-decorating my entire house to make room for a baby :)

Plus, over the hot, hot weekend, we came up with a fantastic plan for staying home with the babe until he/she is ready to go to T's current school (at 18 months). We seriously can't afford more childcare than we have now - so we were considering an au-pair. But, in thinking about how unhappy I am with long term company, it seemed like it might be a bad idea.

So, we have a secret plan and we're both thrilled about it :)

Now, we just need to do it so we can have a munchkin!

Holy Hell, I'm pregnant.

*written months ago - posted after notifying my boss (who I sincerely hope doesn't know this blog exists, but might) 

I suppose I should have known this would happen.

Me getting pregnant and all.

Since I had my IUD removed and we were having sex while I ovulated.

I know. I KNOW.

What the hell were we thinking.

No, but really.

I love the crap out of this baby already.

It was so hard for me to know what to expect with T - plus the dude made me SO F-ING sick. I was really just focused on survival.

But, I have a few weeks before the nausea sets in (or doesn't - keep your fingers crossed), and I'm just loving on my little muffin. Yeah - my muffin, and my muffin top (still have 15 pounds to lose from T).

It is funny, but in my first pregnancy I knew everything. What to eat, what not to eat, which kind of medicine I could take, you know.

This time - In the last two days I've eaten just about EVERYTHING on the "DO NOT EAT" list. Smoked Salmon, deli meat, blue cheese (I know - that's not actually on the do not eat list), caffeine. And only remembered they were bad halfway through my meal.

Plus, I told myself I'd eat super healthy this time. Um, I just ate chicken wings and a cobb salad. Not anywhere near healthy.

Anyway - my little guy is just the sweetest in the world and I can't wait to have another. And I love this one already.

Shit - laptop on LAP. Another no-no just violated.

We're having a baby!

 *written months ago - posted after notifying my boss (who I sincerely hope doesn't know this blog exists, but might)

*written July 18th

A week ago, I felt a major pinch in my side.  Similar to implantation.  I considered not telling Tim in case I was wrong, but wanted to be able to say I knew it if/when I was actually pregnant.

So I told him.

The next day, I kept getting dizzy when I was standing up - and I had some psychosomatic nausea.

I took 5 pregnancy tests and they were all negative (well, I saw two lines, but I see them when they're not there).

The next morning I was starving so I grabbed some cold steamed left-over broccoli (and loved it - which I KNEW was weird).  I was still a little nauseous and was getting dizzy when I stood up again.

I told Bubbs I KNEW I was pregnant.  He blew me off and I took a couple tests.  Negative, negative, negative.

I put the tests on the dresser in the bedroom and continued packing for our trip.

My mom came downstairs and I told them both "I KNOW I'M PREGNANT.  My boobs feel like bowling balls, I'm nauseous and dizzy". 

They both blew me off.

I went to walgreens.  Blew $97 on pregnancy tests.

Took a first response and a digital first response.

AHA!  Light light light little tiny two lines!

Big fat "NO" on the digital.

But, a line is a line is a line.

Bubbs still didn't believe me.

But I knew.

We left for our trip and I bought 10 tests with me.

The next morning I took another test and it was clear.  TWO solid lines.

Baby's due on my birthday, March 25th.  I am five weeks pregnant today.

I can't believe I"m already nauseous at 5 weeks - not anywhere near as bad as it was with T, but there's still time...

Yay!

I have a leetle problem

 *written months ago - posted after notifying my boss (who I sincerely hope doesn't know this blog exists, but might)

I'll be upfront about this.

I have a VERY addictive personality/genetic code. The majority of my relatives are functioning addicts. Luckily, I've MOSTLY avoided addiction.

I smoked for 10 years - about a pack a day.

I'm slightly obsessive about the house (Bubbs might disagree and cross out the "slightly").

Anyway - I'm currently 8 days past my ovulation date.*

I have blown through 25 cheap pregnancy tests (25 for $8.00).

In the last two days I have blown through $100 in additional pregnancy tests.

Folks, I'd say we have a problem.

The chances of my body even showing signs of being pregnant are like 50% right now.

The chances of my body being ready to get pregnant are even lower (I haven't had a full cycle without my iud yet).

But, I've wasted a TON of money on tests.

And, I truly think I see lines on every single test.

Every single one.

And they aren't there.

We call this an addiction.

I can't stop peeing.

My poor son keeps asking to eat the pregnancy tests I leave everywhere (waiting for the five minutes to be up).

Anyway.

My boobs are tender, I've had cramping on and off for about a week, slight lower back pain, and I'm uncharacteristically understanding and nice.

I haven't had a true cycle since the ONE I had before we conceived T - I've been on birth control pretty much my whole before and after him. So these could also all be per-menstral symptoms (other than the niceness - that's just f-ing weird).

Obsessive about a baby

*written months ago - posted after notifying my boss (who I sincerely hope doesn't know this blog exists, but might) 

*this post was written well before you are going to read it.

We've gone back and forth between wanting another child. Before I was pregnant with T, I would have told you I wanted two kids and I wanted them three years apart.

Between the hypermesis (puking through 7 months), the challenges of attachment parenting, and finances, we just didn't think we could do it for a couple more years and we weren't sure we wanted to do it at all.

But, Bubbs and I both love our siblings and we don't think it is fair to T to only have one.

My friend talks about playing by herself on Christmas morning with all of her new toys and it is one of the saddest images.

So, one night I told him I was ready.

His eyes got big, he pretended to hyperventilate, and agreed.

I made an appointment to get my IUD out (I won't go into what kind of disaster that was).

Last time with T, I tracked my Basal Body Temperature, Cervical Mucus, used ovulation tests, and probably took 50 pregnancy tests in the month and a half it took us to conceive.

Luckily, this time, I had my "period" (minor spotting) right before IUD removal, so I was able to start a new cycle fresh this time around. An ovulation test picked up my ovulation a week and a half later and we made sure to boogie right around that date.

We pretend we're trying for a girl, but both know that it is a little redunculous.

So, I spotted a teeny bit (pink light blood) at 3 days past ovulation as well as had a few minor cramps. At 5 days past ovulation I had a sharp pinch feeling like I did with T when he implanted.

I've taken 5 pregnancy tests today already (I know it is WAY too early).

I am obsessed. Totally obsessed.

Oh - we ate at Gary Danko (top SF restaurant) the other night - cause it might not ever happen again once we have two in tow.

And - we have no idea how we're going to afford childcare for two, but what the heck!

Our Birth Story

Here's a draft of our birth story that should probably be edited by Tim for timing details and reality checks. It's long, but I wanted to have it detailed so I would always remember. It is really graphic and detailed - so if you don't want to know - don't read :)

Turner Wertz Jenkins was born at home at 10:30am on June 25th, 2010. At my 38 week appointment, we learned I was 3 cm dilated and 80% effaced and I had my membranes stripped (they separate the lining of your amniotic sac from your cervix to get hormones flowing that could start labor if you body is ready). Though I knew that this meant nothing as to when I would go into labor, I hoped it meant it would be earlier than my due date.

I was miserably swollen, sick, and exhausted. After days and days of what I thought was false labor and tons of walking the city daily for hours, I woke up Wednesday, June 22nd (39 weeks, 2 days), with a feeling of an uncontrollable gushing. My water had broken. Any story I had heard about water breaking included people going directly into serious labor. I immediately threw up my breakfast and had a minor contraction – I assumed this was it. Tim called the midwife and started cleaning the house. I put on the crockpot to have a meal ready for when the baby was born.

Our midwives suggested going for a walk to get things moving. This was my ongoing list of what we did:

water broke at 8:15
started puking up my whole breakfast
minor contractions
a little bigger at safeway
came home and rested
tim got house together
heading out to a walk
drove to boudin and got lunch
went to the library
went to the deyoung
went to the japanese tea garden
walked in the botanical garden
contractions got intense and 4 minutes apart but stopped when we got home. *Little did I know that “intense” contractions are not painful contractions and these were still just practice ones – we were no where near the real deal yet.

We got home after hours of walking and everything stopped. I was bummed. We spoke with our midwife and she suggested resting b/c we would probably have an intense night. Unfortunately, I slept until 8am and woke up feeling fine. 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep did not seem to indicate a fast labor starting. Our midwife came by at around 11 and suggested some natural induction methods. Hospitals usually give you 24 hours after your water breaks to naturally go into labor before they induce you. Our midwives give us 72 hours but do a lot of precautions to ensure there is no infection (which is the danger of going too long with your water broken).

After checking out the baby’s vitals and seeing that he was fine, she took mine. When she took my blood pressure the first time it was really high. After asking what our backup hospital was, Tim and I got scared. High blood pressure is a very dangerous thing in pregnancy, and if I showed too many signs of pre-eclampsia, we would have to go to Kaiser for an induction. We had planned a homebirth to avoid induction at Kaiser. She had me lay down, and walked me through a relaxation meditation. My blood pressure dropped a ton and we were still good to go on the homebirth.

We had my mom go pick up some black cohosh tincture and cottonroot (as driving to the Mission District where the herb store is - would stress me out and now I was under strict orders to stay calm and mellow) and I took bits of that over the course of three hours. Felt nothing but a bit of a stomach ache.

Then we went for a long walk in the botanical gardens and had some sushi with TONS of wasabi. The spicyness didn’t do anything, but the nice meal at our favorite sushi place was relaxing and fun.

When we got home Tim set up the breast pump and I had to do nipple stimulation. Pumping is not fun or easy and I was supposed to do 20 minutes of pumping and 20 minutes of rest for 3 hours, but had to give up at 15 each time because it was SO uncomfortable.

I was still having fairly regular Braxton hicks contractions, but nothing painful.

We went to bed again disheartened and praying that he would come with our last trick so we didn’t have to give birth in a hospital.

I woke up at 3:30 (Tim was already in the kitchen having a snack and surfing the internet) and made a smoothy full of 4 oz of castor oil. Our midwives said Castor Oil was their “big guns” , it made for a messy nasty labor, but worked in 56% of cases. I drank the first half of the smoothy and made oatmeal cookies, we waited 30 minutes per their instructions, and I drank the other half. At 4:30 I had my first major contraction which included running to the bathroom to vomit up most of the smoothie.

We were told that once you took the Castor Oil it would take about 3 hours for the major diarrhea to start and another 3 for contractions to start. This was about 30 minutes in and we were having contractions. Our midwives DID say that all of the induction methods we were trying (tinctures, walking, spicy foods, and nipple stimulation) would work together and have a build up and cumulative effect, but after a whole night’s sleep with no contractions, I was sure it was the castor oil.

Immediately (4:30am) they were intense and painful. We started timing them and they were more than a minute long and about 3-4 minutes apart (we were instructed to call our midwives when they were a minute long, 4 minutes apart for an hour). After 30 minutes of this we called our midwives and they sent over Kara, their apprentice and an amazing doula. When she arrived, I was feeling fine between contractions and could chat and make jokes, but during, I would make figure eights in the living room and dining room and eventually end up at a 90 degree angle over the buffet looking out into the Safeway parking lot. I started making “ooooohhhh” noises during the hard parts which really helped.

Tim reminded me after that at this point, I said to him, “this is different, this is the most pain I’ve ever been in” (little did I know).

I think we were both really happy at this point despite the pain, because we were both terrified of losing our dream of a homebirth. We would have done what we needed to for our baby and our health, but had invested so much in doing it at home that this amount of pain was welcomed.

Shortly after Kara arrived (about 5:30am), my contractions got more intense and I couldn’t walk through them, but had the need to get close to the floor so got on all fours in the hallway between the living room, foyer, and dining room. I would rock my hips back and forth and “ooooh” through the contractions. They got more and more intense and I would have to take trips to the bathroom (the castor oil had started working). Contracting on the toilet wasn’t good, so I had Tim and Kara bring me pillows so I could be in the bathroom and labor in the hallway during contractions. I had a bit of blood at this point, which Kara assured me was a great sign. When I look back at the contraction timer my contractions were about three minutes long at this point (which is very long).

At one point I got on the toilet and just didn’t want to get off. I loved being isolated from everyone and if I leaned back to the perfect angle and rubbed the tops of my thighs rhythmically and made loud low humming noises, it decreased the pain significantly. I would say that these contractions (I’m told after the fact that I was in the bathroom for over an hour) were the worst of the worst. Tim also tells me that I was chanting/singing “ooooooooooooooopen”.

I told Kara that I felt like the baby was coming – I didn’t know why, but it felt like it. I had had a bit more blood at that point as well. She made me go into the bedroom to do a cervical check. (this was around 7 or 8 am). I knew my cervix wasn’t dilated far enough b/c she didn’t tell me what the progress was, but I knew he was coming soon, so I ran back to the bathroom for more alone time.

She tried to convince me to get into the birthtub. On my way from the bathroom to the birth tub I had the worst contraction I remember, dropped to my knees and screamed. I didn’t have my good space around me (bathroom, foyer) and it was horrible. I felt out of control at that point, but knew that contraction would be over soon and I could get in the tub.

When I got in the tub it was magical. The weightlessness felt great and the warmth felt really great on my tense muscles. I think I said something along the lines of “this is amazing” and started floating around, but then another contraction came along. (Tim tells me at this point that she was trying to slow down the labor because my contractions were coming one on top of the other). Usually they don’t let you in the tub until you are at around 7 centimeters, and I found out after that I was only at a 5.

One of my great fears was having diarrhea in the tub, so I made sure to go and labor on the toilet in between contractions to clean myself out. I heard Ami, our midwife come in and open the door to the bathroom, I had just had a big bloody show and she said that it was good. Edited to add: At one point (transition) I was on the toilet having diarreah and throwing up all at the same time. I started trying to get it into the trashcan, but eventually just gave up. When that contraction was over, I got back into the tub (modesty went right out the window at this point – I was walking around the house naked) and had a couple of horrible contractions. They were long, and on top of each other. I was biting the side of the birth tub to get through them, on all fours and rocking my hips. I told them I needed them to talk me through them and when they were using calming voices, I remember yelling that they needed to be louder and stronger. Someone tried to give me a washcloth to bite, but I hated it and went right back to biting the side of the birth tub.

At this point, I felt him really down low. I told them I wanted to push (this was about an hour after I was checked and was only 5 cm dilated). Ami looked concerned and told me I had to get out of the tub to get checked before I could push (if I had any cervix left, it would make it really tough and slow things down even more).

I don’t quite remember things clearly after this point, but I struggled to get out of the tub and laid down on my bed. She checked me and I had a contraction as she was inside me. Apparently I screamed, “I hate you, get out of me, I hate you, Stop” and physically moved away. I jumped back in the tub. My need to push got even greater at that point.

I vaguely remember someone calling the other midwife and telling her to hurry. In an hour I had advanced from 5cm to 9 cm and at 10cm I could start pushing. At this point, I got an amazing heaven sent break. I was able for about 5-10 minutes to rest. No contractions. I floated in the water and laid my head on the side of the tub and almost fell asleep. I remembered from our research that this break is to give you energy for pushing so I took advantage of it and rested.

I had one more contraction and halfway through started grunting and telling Ami I HAD to push. I couldn’t help it. She made me stop by making breathy “puh puh” sounds through the contractions – it worked for the last half, but at the peak, I had to push a little. My body would just automatically start grounding itself and I would groan and grunt and push with no control.

I sort of remember Ami telling Kara to call Nancy and see how long till she got there and Kara telling her she would be about 15 minutes. They then started preparing for me to have the baby without the second midwife – they were discussing roles. I asked them for each contraction to remind me what to do. I couldn’t remember the noise to make. The desire to push was so welcomed.

Finally, Nancy arrived, I think Kara checked me from behind and I finally go the okay to push. At this point I was on my knees with my arms over the side of the tub. When a contraction would come I would push with everything I had. My first push I started pushing with my abs and stomach muscles, but remembered from our research that I needed to push like I was having a bowel movement, so I did. It felt like I was moving a bowling ball through my body, but I could tell it wasn’t going the wrong way. I started pushing on my hands and knees, and then the midwives had me get on my back. I gripped the back walls of the tub with my hands, and floated my body along the tub, my legs positioned on the walls in front to get a good “grip”.

The most satisfaction I had throughout the entire process was pushing. I knew the end was near, it felt great, and I was finally in control of the process. There were a couple times that I could feel (and see!) his head come a little out and slip back in – I told the midwives and they said it was good and important because it stretched out my perineum. I told myself I would let it happen three more times then I was going to get him to stay out! I did it too.

My fourth push his head was halfway out (or it felt like that) and I yelled, “he’s stuck.” I knew it wasn’t true, but I couldn’t think of the words to ask how I could get past that place. I had reached what they call the “ring of fire” and it was true to it’s name. His head was stretching me to the furthest place it would have to go and I could feel it.

They assured me he wasn’t stuck, and I screamed “Ring of F*ing Fire”, and backed up in the tub like I was afraid of what was happening. After reviewing the birth video, I had a horrified and scared look on my face. Nancy, our midwife, yelled at me “don’t run from it, go INTO it.” And I did. With a blood curdling scream, I popped the rest of his head out. I thought this would be satisfying, but then a horrible feeling of his body being inside me and his head out made me scream even more intensely (I was told after the fact, that his body was rotating inside of me and that was why it felt so strange and scary). Without waiting for another contraction, I pushed the rest of him out. Immediate relief.

Once he was out, they put him on my chest and he started to mew a little. He was a little purple, but started pinking up really quickly. His dad was behind me and said, “hey boy” to which turner opened his eyes and lifted his head to see where that familiar voice was coming from.

The best part of the whole experience was shortly after the baby being checked out, me being sewn up (tearing was SO not as bad as I thought it would be – not something to be afraid of at ALL – 2nd degree tear with a couple stiches), and a quick shower, Tim, Turner and I got into our bed and slept as a family. No one came to check our vitals every 30 minutes, there were no beeping machines, we got to eat our own food and snuggle in our own sheets. Homebirth is amazing.

I’m told I was a really independent laborer. I spent most of the time isolated in the bathroom with the door closed. Poor Tim was primarily an onlooker and didn’t get to do any of the techniques we learned in our birth class because talking and touching all felt very wrong to me the whole time.

Still only 38 weeks and 2 days (40 weeks is my due date and the baby can come as late at 42 weeks). But each day gets LONGER and LONGER.

Every morning I wake up and I'm not in full blown active labor is a disappointment. I've started planning at least one big activity a day to keep me occupied because otherwise I think I'd go nuts.

Lost my mucus plug yesterday which is another sign that things are moving along, but not enough to actually say that anything real is happening (can be 2 weeks to 2 hours before baby is born when you lose your mucus plug).

I can feel that things are happening, but I'd really like to get this show on the road.

The house is getting scrubbed today, so I'm hoping that Turner was just waiting for a super duper clean house and fresh flowers before he decides to make his entrance into the world. Or he's gonna wait another week until the house is a mess again and the flowers are dead.

I'd love to have a baby by this weekend.

38 weeks today!

Went on a walk to Tart to Tart with Tim yesterday and had some serious lower pressure and lots of braxton hicks. It felt so weird, at one point I started to cry - not the first time I've spontaneously cried during this pregnancy.

We sat down, had a slice of cake, played dice, then walked home with more good pressure and cramping.

Our midwife came over this morning and checked my cervix for progress...3 cm and 80% effaced (effaced=how thin your cervix gets). I have to keep reminding myself that that doesn't mean anything (you can go into full blown labor with no dilation or be at a 4 for weeks before active labor), but at least all the walking is working. And the cramping I've been feeling is real.

I've had menstrual type cramps since she stripped my membranes which I think is a good sign. I'm just gonna wait it out!

Yoga on Tuesday. Kinda lame - too many people crowded and it was a little difficult with my ginormous belly.
Walked on Wednesday at Land's end which felt loverly. Had a great talk with another preggo.
Walked today (Thursday) for about three hours down Clement Street. Got some good activity happening towards the end.

I've been feeling a lot of cramping in my cervix (kind of like sharp pains) which I know are probably just the baby's head hitting a nerve, but rather than freak out, I say to myself "open" and breath through them, hoping that it does something real.

Tonight Tim and I take our "newborn care class" which will probably be a little refresher for us both since we've taken care of the niece and nephew plenty, but I like taking time for us to focus on the baby together.

The freezer is stocked and all I have left to make is oatmeal cookie dough and cinnamon rolls (for easy defrost and bake with no mess).

So far I have:
2 pans of lasagne
a batch of black bean soup (in small containers)
spinach casserole
mac and cheese with broccolini and cauliflower
two quiches (bacon, spinach, onion)
breakfast burritos
bean and cheese burritos

Hopefully that will last us a couple week.s